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We…actually me.

13 Jan

I recently noticed that I use “we” whenever I talk about decisions I’m making for Royal while Scott’s deployed. At first the reasoning escaped me for why I would be doing this but then it hit me, “I” sounds so lonely when you’re talking about parenting your child. When I say “we” it fills the void I’m feeling in our current life situation.

I can’t decide if this is healthy for my emotional well being but I’m thankful it’s a temporary problem to have because soon Scott will return to us and the “we” will become truthful again.

Scott is really great to help me talk through the issues and decisions that have come up in his absence, and most times he does come to the conclusion with me, but in the small day to day things I still find myself saying “we did this” “we thought it was a good idea” even when he wasn’t even remotely involved. Odd.

It could also be that I’m so used to saying “we” that it’s habit. I have been saying it in reference to Scott and me for the last 9 years so that could explain it, but it doesn’t erase the fact that when I say “I” it feels like someone just punched me in the stomach. Scotty is such a wonderful father and it pains me to know that he’s having to be away from us during these sweet moments in our son’s life.

Last week I told Scott that I was going to Target to purchase size 2 diapers and that really hit him hard. He couldn’t believe he missed all of the size 1 stage. It’s funny (not funny) how those small things that normal parents don’t even blink over can make such an impact on a daddy who is away in Afghanistan. I love that my husband loves so deeply and something like this can bring a tear to his eye.

I do my very best to capture every new thing Royal does. Praise God for technology or I have no idea how I could keep him up to date. I love that I can video tape a milestone and he can watch it 7,382 miles away. I think that helps Scott feel included, but of course it’s not the same as being able to join in. I’m so proud of my husband and for the commitment and sacrifices he’s made for our freedoms. I’m ready for him to be home though…this has been quite long enough.

I hate this. I want my family to be whole, for our “we” to mean three again.

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Deployment Christmas

10 Dec

 

Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. I enjoy everything about the season. Most years I can’t even contain my excitement! The tree flies up the day after Thanksgiving and the music is constantly on. I live and breathe Christmas!

This year though…I’m finding it almost painful to hear a single song. I haven’t even been pestering my parents to put up the tree. I’m having a real difficult time “getting into the spirit”. I think part of it is the fact that I’m not at my own home, because Royal and I are staying with my parents during the deployment, but the main reason is that Scott isn’t here.

Every joyful part of this holiday is about being with those you love and sharing in traditions. Since I was 16 Scott has always been a huge part of those traditions and the love I feel during Christmas. It doesn’t feel right decorating a tree or looking at lights without him here.

Of course I am LOVING that I get to share this holiday with my son! I can’t believe I finally have a child of my own to share the magic with, but then in the back of my mind I can’t shake the realization that Scott is missing out on this too. Gives you a guilty feeling knowing you are getting to soak it all in while he’s in a far off country far from family and close friends. I’m so proud of my husband and I’m amazed by the strength he has.

I know that he wants me to enjoy the season but it’s more than hard without him here!

I’m praying that as Christmas gets closer I will get more excited, but until then I’m focusing on the things I am excited for! I can’t wait for Royal to see his first Christmas tree and to see the wonder on his face when he gets to eat all the wrapping paper. I loved taking him to see Santa. Even though I never had Santa growing up it was fun to take Royal, in honor of Scott, and to send the pictures to Scott in Afghanistan. His Daddy got a kick out of them and I know it helped him feel a bit more at home. Royal loved seeing Santa and amazingly resisted the urge to pull his beard. (Haha.)

I’m going to do my best to focus on the good and on the whole reason for this season which is Christ being born! Thank you God for sending your son!

Merry Christmas everyone!!

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Transition.

23 Oct

I can’t even begin to express how strange these last few months have felt. We went from almost getting used to being new parents, and having our system down, to Scott leaving for his deployment and adjusting to doing it all on my own. AHHH! It’s almost too much change at once. I say almost but it absolutely is TOO MUCH!

I miss Scott so horribly much but I know the pain of having him gone. I know what to expect being away from him. What is breaking me now is the realization that Royal is missing out on having his daddy, and Scott is missing out on time with his son. Anytime we get to Skype, Scott gets sad seeing all the changes Royal is making and it’s only been a month. This is going to be much more difficult than we could have ever expected or prepared for.

The morning Scott left for the airport he just sat on the bed with Royal resting on his legs crying while Royal smiled at him trying to cheer him up. That is one heartbreaking scene that I will probably never forget as long as I live. The relationship they share is so precious and I hate that they’re missing out on time together.

Royal has had difficulty eating lately and it started right after Scott left. He misses Scott even though his little baby self doesn’t really understand the emotions he’s experiencing. When I put Scott on speaker-phone Royal turns towards his voice, it’s so sweet but also so sad. I wish we could jump on a flight and go visit for a weekend. Eh, maybe instead Scott could come here. (Haha.)

With most things time softens the blow, but I know with this it’s just going to get worse until Scott is home with us again. I’m extremely thankful to be home in Colorado during the holiday months, and to be surrounded by family and friends who keep us busy and help keep my mind off things. My prayer is that these 4 months fly by and that God continues to protect our hero while he’s away.

“May the Lord watch between you and me when we are absent one from another.” -Genesis 31:49b

Nicole Jade - Royal 028

Royal’s birth story.

18 Aug

**If you don’t want to hear ALL about a baby being born please stop reading.**

IMG_7401copyI woke up at 5 am to my water breaking on July 31st, 2014. I didn’t want to alarm Scott as he was sound asleep but he started to stir, looked at his phone, and realized he had overslept for his early morning shift. He of course startled awake and about jumped out of bed but I told him to hold tight for a second because I was pretty sure my water just broke. I felt another gush and that confirmed it. It was such a God thing that he overslept as he would have already been at work and I would have had to call and wait for him to get home.

I then called labor and delivery and they told me to take my time coming in. The nurse told me to enjoy a shower and to get a good breakfast in because they wouldn’t let me eat once I got there. I felt completely normal at that point but at 6:30 my contractions kicked it into high gear and I told Scott and my parents it was time to get moving.

IMG_7309copyI was shocked at how painful my contractions were. I became speechless, as I usually do with intense pain, but as the pain intensified I started almost screaming. I’ve never known a pain like that before. They told me that Royal was positioned against my spine and that’s why it was THAT bad. Back labor is no joke, you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy. Ouch.

I continued in that same pain for a few hours but each time they checked I was still only dilated to a 2. The staff then strongly recommended that I get an epidural because my body was so tensed up from my pain that it put my dilating at a standstill. They thought that if I had an epidural it would relax me enough so my body could do what it needed to do. They were right. The minute I got the epidural I felt like a whole new woman. I was completely relieved of my pain. Phew. It was such a nice break. I had control of how much of the medicine I was getting, so I was able to keep feeling in my legs which was important to me as I wanted to be able to push fully when the time came. I would strongly recommend an epidural if you get to the place I was at with pain. There is no way I could have continued that way for over 12 hours.

IMG_7377copyA half hour after I got the epidural they checked me again and I had progressed to a 4. They then decided that they wanted to speed up the process and gave me pitocin in my IV drip. My parents had just gone down to the cafeteria when my midwife and nurse came running into the room and started flipping me onto my left side. They were really quiet but they had concern written  all over their faces. I couldn’t figure out what was going on until they then tried flipping me onto my right and I could see the Baby’s heart rate monitor. Royal had been staying between 140-150 bpm during my pregnancy and labor but when I now looked he was at 70 bpm! I started to panic. They then gave me oxygen and kept moving me trying to give Royal some relief. My midwife asked another nurse to get the doctor and it became apparent to me that I was about to get a cesarean section. FINALLY his heart rate started coming back up after they had me about on my head and rolled completely onto my left side. PRAISE GOD! I have never been more terrified in my entire life. I am so thankful that the staff was fast acting and were able to help my boy and also save me from a c-section.

IMG_7381copyApparently Royal had a negative reaction to the pitocin and that’s what caused the severe drop in his heart rate. After the pitocin was stopped my body took over and within an hour and a half I went from a 4 to a 10 and they told me it was time to push! AH! I couldn’t believe how quickly it went and I honestly didn’t feel mentally ready to start pushing. My nurse cleared the room of everyone but my mom and Scott, and began preparation for delivery. My epidural chose this moment to stop working. Yay! *rolls eyes* Natural childbirth time!

I started pushing at around 3:30 and was making really great progress until Baby’s head didn’t want to come the last part of the way. Once it was clear he wasn’t going to budge they attached the vacuum to his head and when my next contraction came I pushed and my midwife pulled….nothing. He wouldn’t come. I took my deep breathe and pushed again…the vacuum then snapped off his head. It was then decided that I would be getting an episiotomy. I was nervous about it, but at this point in labor, I was ready to be done and would have done just about anything to get my boy here! With that…he arrived!

IMG_7320copyRoyal Matthew was born at 4:53 pm and was immediately placed on my chest. My mom later told me that my face went from a look of pain and exhaustion to one of complete love and joy at my first sight of him. I’ve been made a believer of  “love at first sight.” I looked over at Scott and I could see how in love he was with our baby and was touched as his tears flowed freely down his cheeks. The proud daddy did the honors of cutting the umbilical cord and with that we were separate.

I was in awe at Royal’s beauty and also at how big he was! All the doctors had been telling me what a tiny baby I would be getting, and here I was holding a 7lb 6oz 20inch boy! I couldn’t believe that all of him fit in my belly! All that mattered to me was that he was finally here and he was healthy!! On the APGAR test he scored an 8 at one minute and a 9 at 5 minutes. The tech told us that she never gives a 10 so he was as healthy as it gets. God is so good!

IMG_7344copyScott then got to hold Royal for the first time and once again his tears came. I have never been more attracted to my husband as I was in those moments. Seeing your tiny baby placed in the arms of the man you love is about as good as it gets. I can still sit for hours watching Scott interact with our son, it’s just so precious and sweet to me.

IMG_7328copyI finally have my family. It’s been such a long long road to get here but every step was necessary to get right where we are. I am so thankful for a God that made my every wish and dream come true with one tiny little boy’s entrance into the world! He’s my rainbow after the storm and my everything! There is not one thing I wouldn’t do for this little man and I’m absolutely alright with the fact that my world now entirely revolves around him and his care. I am taken with him. Everything about Royal turns me into mush! I can’t get enough of him! When I set him down to do the dishes or something else I immediately miss him. This is a foreign love I’ve never known before but it somehow feels completely natural to me. I.am.in.love.

IMG_7318copyThank you everyone for your continued prayer and support, and please keep it coming as we now raise this sweet boy!

–Name meaning–
Royal: child of the King
Matthew: God’s gift

Welcome Royal Matthew, you are so very loved!

IMG_7370copy“For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart”
-1 Samuel 1:27

•Photos by Olive Gray Photography•

Twosome.

8 Jul

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As impatient as we are for our new little addition to get here we’re trying to remember that our time as a twosome is almost over. I’m going to miss the simple nights of us just sitting on the couch in complete boredom! I’ve been told that you’ll miss being bored when a baby comes so I’m trying to soak it all in! Scott is my very best friend and part of me is sad that we won’t have the alone time that we’ve had over the past 8-9 years, but now we’ll be sharing the time with a little guy who is 50% Scott and 50% me! I couldn’t think of a better person to be stealing time from us.

It will be quite awhile before we will be able to pack up the car for a day at the beach or a night out on the town so we’re trying to squeeze in as many of the activities we love while we still can. It’s crazy to think that we won’t have the same freedoms we have now but it’s so exciting thinking of staying at home as a family and just pouring out our love onto “Smalls.” Even changing diapers together sounds rather romantic to me. (Haha)  Boy, times have changed.

I pray that we will always find the romance in the simple things of our new life and find joy even in the times of frustration. I can only see my love growing deeper for my husband as we now take on the role as parents! It’s incredibly intimidating but there’s no one else I would choose to walk this journey with. I can’t wait for the first moment I see my tiny son placed into Scott’s arms. Just the visual image in my head gives me the most intense butterflies. Scott will be such a natural father and will give this boy the most wonderful childhood!

I’m so lucky to have such an incredible life partner! God truly knew what He was doing when He brought us together at the tender age of 16. I stand in awe sometimes at just how well God thought out my life and how He knew what I needed so much better than I ever did! I am blessed. I could say it over and over and still not come close to expressing how extremely blessed I am! I hope I never forget.

So in these last few weeks (could be days) I will be content to spend every moment I can with the man I said “I do” to 3 years ago and patiently await the biggest gift we’ve ever been given: our son!

20web•Arrow Creek Photography•

Vacations.

25 Apr

Vacations are a wonderful thing designed to help relax and unwind you by breaking from your usual daily grind. You picture yourself coming home completely at ease, as if hundreds of pounds of bricks have been lifted off your very tired shoulders. Why is it then that when you do head back home you actually feel a billion times more pooped than when you started out for your adventure? You seem to need a vacation from your vacation at this point!

Vacations have become a real treat for us because Scott is always working and the Air Force doesn’t hand out leave like candy, so we were extremely excited to be getting away for 5  uninterrupted days this past weekend! We packed up our car with way more things than necessary for a 5 day trip (gotta be prepared,) loaded our two doggies, made a coffee/donut stop, and we were on our way! Now, the way I’m about to describe this drive will come across as overly dramatic and a little bit exaggerated, I assure you it is not. The drive to Scott’s sister’s house looks as if it will be a breeze, simple directions and a 6 hour estimated arrival time, you know…easy! WRONG! Somehow this drive not only lasts an extra 3 hours but it feels more like 10 extra. I don’t know what it is but in the 2 times we’ve driven this path it actually seems to only be getting worse! It’s torture!! Anytime you take a detour to use the restroom or get something to eat it punishes you by tacking on another 40 minutes to an hour! You can literally run in, grab one thing you need, be back in the car within two minutes, and STILL it says you just won the prize of being set back 46 minutes!! It’s madness! Then take into account the fact that I now have a growing child inside me kicking my ribs at every turn of the road, making for an even more enjoyable travel day! (haha)

We finally got into Redington Shores 9 hours from our departure time and were met with a surprise baby shower from Scott’s family! I don’t think there could be a better reward following that drive! Family always knows just what you need! We were so blessed by all the gifts and pumped up at the thought of our little guy coming to join such a loving-doting family. I am thankful that both Scott and I were born into amazing families that make bringing a child into the world all the more joyous. I can’t even wait for him to meet them!
baby shower from Karen 005The rest of our Vacation flew by! We packed it to the brim with activities! We went to a Rays baseball game, ate lots of yummy food, went site seeing, walked the doggies, saw a movie, ate pastries and drank greek coffee, sat by the pool, Scott went deep sea fishing with his dad, shopped a bit, the guys tried to trap crabs, and before we knew it…time was up!  It’s not fair how much more quickly Vacation time flies in comparison to regular time. For weeks and weeks we counted down to this time away and in a flash it was over.

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Monday morning we packed our car once again, now almost to exploding with all our new baby gifts, and set out on the road. It’s always wonderful to see family but it never seems like it’s long enough! We had to just be thankful that we were able to come at all and revel in all of the new memories we made.

Monday also marked 100 days until Baby’s due date! I can’t believe how far into this pregnancy we are now! Being in the double digits makes me all the more impatient to snuggle my boy!! It doesn’t make sense to say but I miss him. I don’t know how you can miss and love someone you’ve never even met but I do. I can’t wait to lay eyes on him for the first time. Until then I’ll just have to soak in the wonders of pregnancy and the joy of feeling him wiggle and kick as he grows inside me.

So…back to Vacation exhaustion! (I get so sidetracked whenever I think of Baby. Whoops!): After another long drive home, that we somehow kept under 8 hours, we unpacked the car and dragged our tired bodies into bed. The next morning we did not awaken refreshed but completely drained! Scott then proceeded to work an 18 hour workday because of a scheduling fluke. I don’t know how he survived it, I really don’t. My body felt the toll of all the excitement of the weekend as I started limping around the house, not a preggo waddle for the record, and now I have the flu because I apparently also knocked my immune system down.

So, can someone tell me when I’m going to feel relaxed and rejuvenated from this vacation we just had?! I’m waiting!!

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Proud.

30 Mar

Proud Wife:

Happy to report that after over a year and a half of Air Force training Scott is finally able to start his job!!

It’s been a long and frustrating road for him and I know he’s relieved to have it behind him. Although the long wait for security clearance and training delays that plagued the first portion of his training were annoying, the last part was the most aggravating as he was put on medical hold and his classmates started finishing and then deploying without him. I was thankful to have him home for the extra time but when you’re married your spouse’s frustrations become your own. Scott was just ready to be through the program and to become “a real boy” as he says. (Haha.) The final stage of training is putting what he has learned into practice with 6 scenario flights which he passed with FLYING colors! ;) I am a very proud wife! It’s wonderful to see all of his hard work and time pay off.

It seems so odd that this chapter of our lives is at a close. Training is all we really know of the Air Force life so we’re both trying to figure out how to adjust to the next portion. I had such mixed feelings knowing training was almost over because I knew that what comes next is the ongoing deployments that come with Scott’s job. Most people in the Air Force don’t have frequent deployments that you can count on and they come more as a surprise than a guarantee. Scott’s job is not this way. He will be deployed every 5 months for 4 months, and once it starts it just keeps rotating like that. That’s a lot of time spent away from home and a scary thing to be overshadowing you as you grow a tiny infant in your belly.

A few weeks before his training wrapped up we heard rumor that Scott would be deploying in June, a month before the baby is due, and then a few days before he finished it was confirmed that he was on the list. As you can imagine this gave me a bit of a heavy worried heart but I prayed and tried to just let it sit in God’s very capable hands.

When Scott got over to his new squadron he was able to talk to one of his superiors and she said that she would do what she could but with his rank there wouldn’t be a whole lot of pull. He continued what he was doing and within a few minutes she came back and told him he was now assigned to a different flight and would be deploying a few months after the due date! Praise God! Now we can fully rejoice in Scott’s graduation to “real boy!” It’s still going to be hard to have him gone with the baby being  just a few months old but at least he’s not going to miss the most important thing of seeing his son come into the world. He will also have time to spend bonding with the baby which is very important for both Baby and Daddy. We are thankful and blessed.

It’s going to take yet another adjustment to get us through this next chapter but as always God has us covered and He’s working all things together for our good! What comfort we have in that!

Proud Mommy:

We had our 20 week anatomy ultrasound this month which showed baby boy is progressing  just as he should and he’s not lacking any of the things he needs to thrive on the outside! He’s in great health and is growing just as he should. He’s a little fellow though, coming in at the 25th percentile! I guess that’s what we get for nicknaming him “Smalls.” (Haha.)

You’re always so relieved when the Doc doesn’t have any concerns and just keeps saying how great things look! We are happy parents! He’s growing strong in there and his kicks are getting to be almost painful at times. A couple weeks ago I had my iPad resting on my stomach and the next thing I know it’s on the floor because the little mister kicked it off! I laughed and laughed.

It’s hard to believe that he will be here in just a few short months. Time is sure flying, but I hear it will start slowing down to a drag soon. I’m already growing impatient to snuggle him up!

(Here’s one of the latest looks at our guy! Scott pointed out, and it was funny to see, that the kid appears to have my nose! I love him.)

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Boy.

27 Feb

This month we had one of the most exciting appointments in pregnancy: the gender reveal ultrasound! I was on pins and needles for the entire week leading up to this day. I couldn’t wait to know what we were having so that I could fully picture the little person joining our family! I was also anxious to start getting all the baby prep done that was on hold because of this missing piece of information, like the nursery and picking out clothes for “Smalls.” I just couldn’t wait!

When Scott and I were praying for baby, as we started wanting to start a family, we prayed that the Lord would give us EXACTLY what we needed! We wanted the gender, personality, and everything else to be the perfect fit for us. We prayed to be given a child that Scott and I could be the very best parents to. We didn’t care what that looked like in God’s eyes because we knew He would only give us the very best! Gender especially, we were very open to whatever! We could see ourselves parenting a boy or a girl and loving them equally.

Since our first ultrasound, and maybe even a bit before  that, I had an intense gut feeling that baby was a boy. I am one who gets my mind set on something and suddenly my heart gets involved and then I am completely sold on one idea and there’s no going back. Baby’s gender was this same way. I would get rather pouty when people told me they thought I was having a girl because I just felt in my heart my first child is a boy! Silly I know because there’s really no way to tell what the heck you’re having until you go to the appointment. Even the “wives tale”  test told me “girl” and I wouldn’t accept it. Boy boy boy boy boy is all I could accept. Stubborn me!

The nights before the ultrasound I hardly slept! I just kept tossing and turning trying to reason with myself what the baby could really be. Needless to say, I pointlessly wasted a lot of Z’s doing this. There are so many feelings going into this appointment, you worry if you’ll actually be excited with the results and you wonder if you’ll really be able to parent one gender or the other. You face a lot of doubt in yourself during the lead up. I finally had to pray for God to calm my heart so that I could just rest in His perfect plan for us and this baby.

Finally the morning of the ultrasound was here! I drank my 16 ounces of water as directed and jumped into the car! My heart was racing as Scott drove us along the way and it sped even more quickly as he pulled into the parking space. The moment had arrived!!

Baby did NOT want to show us what was going on below. “Smalls” was sleeping or something because there was no rolling over or anything to give us a peek! I had to keep turning onto my side and back to my back just to try to get any type of movement. It’s like the baby knew  what we were after and was not going to budge! Shy much? At last Baby started becoming more active, about 20 minutes into the appointment, and gave us what we were looking for. The tech told us “here’s some boy parts” a little less glamorous than “it’s a boy!” but…we’ll take it! I burst into tears, exclaiming “I’m so happy!” My gut had been right and I was getting my little boy. Scott was so excited he said “I got my hunting and fishing buddy!” We were already proud parents to this little guy. I then looked at the tech and told her “I can only hope he is this good at keeping his parts to himself when High School hits!” (Haha.)

We then sent this out to our parents and siblings to reveal the news!:

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Scott then called up Krispy Kreme to order our blue filled donuts for our gender reveal party that evening! Yum!

At our small group we had everyone choose either a pink or blue clothespin as their vote and then at the end we had one of our friends bite into a donut and show the blue contents! “Boy!!!” It was just so much fun to share our joy with everyone! After the party was over I was able to post on Facebook our official reveal and we were so blessed by all the congratulations and well wishes of our friends! We were happy to celebrate with everyone even with the hundreds of miles separating us.

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(Scott thought the blue teeth were a nice finishing touch. Haha.)

When Scott and I were younger we always said we wanted a boy first because then there would always be a big brother to watch out for his younger siblings. God gave us our wish years later in this little miracle! Our baby already means so very much to us and we’re happy to be having a son! We are blessed beyond belief!!

Now comes the hard part…finding a name…

Wish us luck!! xoxo

New kind of Christmas.

15 Dec

It’s so odd trying to get into the Christmas spirit when you’re used to having freezing temperatures and snow covering the ground. It can’t possibly feel the same no matter how much cheer you put up in your home. I think the funniest thing is listening to Christmas music and realizing many around you don’t know what a “White Christmas” feels like or what it’s like to go “dashing through the snow!” How can you fully picture the song if you’ve never even lived through what a true Christmas is supposed to be?!

There are certainly benefits to living a “white SAND Christmas,” it’s nice not having to defrost your windows or needing to warm your car up before driving down the road, but oddly for the weeks leading up to Christmas I kinda miss it. Never thought I’d miss freezing but I do miss being able to bundle up in scarfs and cute winter coats, I haven’t put one on yet this winter.

There is hope for us this Christmas, as my parents gave us plane tickets home for our Christmas present this year! We won’t fully be missing our Colorado Christmas after all! We’re excited to be fully embraced in the cold and cheer for 2 weeks before returning to our warmer weather. This is just what we needed!

Today we are actually taking down our tree and all the decorations because we don’t want to come home to it after the new year. It’s completely strange taking it all down before the holiday has even come, but we had a little Christmas celebration for two on Saturday morning so that we didn’t have to haul presents back and forth on the plane. I’m glad we at least got a little use out of our tree this year and the experience was precious to us. We always treasure the time we get to spend alone together during this season, it always holds so much love and romance for us.

I’m beyond excited to be home and I pray your Christmas is filled with everything and everyone you love as well!!

Merry Christmas!!

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:
“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!” -Luke 2:13-14

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Missing something.

21 Oct

Scott and I had an amazing trip home this month that made us want to move back immediately and now we’re kinda sitting in a low place not feeling real content with our current surroundings. We were alright until we were in Colorado and realized that we’re missing out. It’s going to be a very long time (if ever) until we feel as though Fort Walton Beach is home. It won’t ever hold for us the memories of our childhoods or the friends we made along the way, and mostly this place will never be filled with family just a minutes drive away. I hate that.

It’s maybe time to rethink our approach to settling in here. I find myself wondering if I’ve done all I can to make this our home.

I know I’ve put all I can into the house. It’s filled with all the things we’ve collected in our first 2  years of marriage, precious things that make my heart happy to look at, it’s us in every corner. It’s a home we built together even if this isn’t where we want to eventually end up. I’m proud of what we have done with this rental. Of course someday we want a house of our own, but it might not be in the cards while living this military lifestyle. I’m trying to accept that…really, really, really, trying!!

Our relationships here are wonderful! They’re the kind of friends you only hope to meet and I thank God everyday that we all got stationed in the same place. It’s easy to love them. You quickly bond over the fact that we’re all in the same boat and you know without a doubt that you need one another! They’re your family when family is thousands of miles away. You plan holidays together to soften the blow of knowing you won’t see the usual faces around your table. The support net of my friends has kept me going! During the dark months that came this year they carried me and held me close. They cut me slack when I couldn’t be a very good friend because I didn’t even have energy to leave the couch to attend a girl’s day. I’m thankful for the grace they showed me. Now that my health and emotional state is being better resolved I plan on paying them back in full with however much “Alyssa time” they can take. Once I get that in motion I feel as though we may settle in again better.

Church has been a blessing to us but it doesn’t feel like Calvary. We’ve been attending since April and STILL no one knows our names, we’re not used to that. We miss everyone knowing our history and knowing when we’re going through a tough time. I miss having people who want to pray for you and cry with you. If I were to pin point one thing we’re lacking right now…it’s this. We need our fellowship and it’s hard to connect in the few minutes before and after the service. Scott and I can be really shy at times and we’re pretty shy whenever we walk in those doors each week. We shut down and I can’t figure out why. We need to work on this.

Scott and I have come to a realization that from this point on in our lives we will always be missing someone. Right now it’s missing our Colorado friends and family. When/if we move back to Grand Junction we’ll be missing all of the people we’ve met here. I don’t like that. I wish I could just wrap everyone up together and have it all. One can dream right?!

 

 

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