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Beautiful things.

15 Nov

When I come into a hard time in my life there is always a quote, verse, or song that stands out to me and then suddenly it becomes my mantra. I think it’s important to hold onto something solid and true when the world around you is spinning out of control. You need a constant thing that stays the same to encourage you when breaking seems like the next step.

In this season of my life the song above, “Beautiful Things” by Gungor, has been that said mantra. It has spoken into my life that God is making something beautiful out of all this. I need that reminder especially when everything around us seems dirty, ugly, and broken. Knowing that God is working something beautiful from these ashes of our life makes my heart joyful.

When I heard this song for the first time at church months ago it was only a week after the miscarriage. I was absolutely 100% at my lowest. I was so angry! Angry at God for letting this happen to us and angry that I had to stay living in a world where such heartbreak resides. I couldn’t find my place and I honestly didn’t care to know where that place even was, I was content to just float. In the midst of my anger, standing with everyone during the worship service, this song was played and immediately tears came running down my face. The words spoke the truth I needed to hear. My hands flew up and I wept to God silently, letting the emotions and words my heart couldn’t speak out of my body and lifting them high to my Heavenly Father!

Every Sunday I would walk into church still just angry as the week before but God continued to put this song in the worship lineup until finally my silly self realized He was trying to comfort me and I was the one shutting Him out. After the service I downloaded the song off of iTunes and I began playing it whenever a hint of doubt in my loving Savior would arise. Whenever my heart would ache for the baby I would never hold, I played it. When I couldn’t get myself to face the day I would put it on repeat until my feet would touch the bedroom floor. God is wonderful and He used this as the gateway to encourage me, knowing that music is one of the most powerful influences on my life. God loved me enough to find the perfect instrument! He came to me and didn’t wait for me to come back around to Him. I think that is just too cool! What an amazing God we serve!

It has now been a little over 4 months since the terrible day that will forever be etched on my heart but God has carried me through. I had a tearful breakdown again last night, mourning our baby who will never be, and I don’t think I’ve cried the last of my tears over it but that’s OK! I can now see hope springing up from this old ground and the beautiful things coming from dust! Boy, it feels good to be standing here in the exact place God brought us to.

I’m so hopeful of what is to come, and even though we’re not completely whole again, God is continually clearing the way for all the beauty our lives are to hold! This song no longer fills my eyes with broken and beaten tears, but with tears of joy I’m able to smile and know that God is making me new!!

Seasons.

30 Sep

 

“To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die;
A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, And a time to heal;
A time to break down, And a time to build up;
A time to weep, And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, And a time to lose;
A time to keep, And a time to throw away;
A time to tear, And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;
A time to love, And a time to hate;
A time of war, And a time of peace.” -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This time of year we realize all the beauty that comes with the changes in season. You start looking forward to seeing the leaves change colors and for the days when you get to pull out your cozy sweaters and cute fall boots. You can’t wait for the air to feel crisp and to have a hot drink in your hand again. There is something so comforting in knowing there will be a change coming. It’s almost like we wake up to a different life and feel new again. God knows that we need the seasons to feel refreshed.

We are always so thankful for the changes in weather as we transition from hot-stuffy-summer to cool-crisp-fall, from sneezy-allergy-ridden fall to chilly-cozy-winter, from freezing-dreary-winter into beautiful-fresh-spring, and from rainy-muddy-spring into fun-exciting-summer again. We get so irritated with the current season we’re in towards the end of it and want to be on to the next. I think the same is true  within our lives. If we were always living life without any disturbances we would be ready for the next thing, never enjoying the stage we are walking in.

I could never grasp the beauty of the verse above when I was younger, it was just one of those verses you were forced to learn, going to a Christian private school, and you logged it away right after you were tested on your memory and knew you’d passed. It held no importance to me as I didn’t know what it meant to live some of the trials listed. I only knew the up-side to each line: peace, love, laughter, and dancing; these are the things all childhoods should be filled with. On the other side of the coin, I also didn’t know how to appreciate the ups because I’d never felt the hard downs.

I would say that before this past season in our lives I was still begrudgingly looking at the hard times as an annoyance and just something to rush out of and pray that you came out less damaged than when you went in. “Brush yourself off and move on” was my mentality. I was missing out on a lot of self-growing using this method. What good are your trials if you don’t spend the time realizing your weaknesses and building an addition to yourself that you may not have had before? I hadn’t been finding beauty in the ashes.

I’m now learning to grow in the down times and thrive in the ups.

This month was a huge UP!!!! We needed this month after the two that had battered us before. We started September off near Tampa visiting Scott’s sister Karen and her hubby Matt. It was wonderful to get away, on the long weekend, and just feel alive again. We needed the fun that comes with only caring about where you’re going to eat and floating from one activity to the next. There’s true healing that comes with surrounding yourself with people who love you and also know how to cheer you up with a good time.

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Mid month we had friends we knew in Colorado come from North Dakota to a nearby town, so of course we jumped at the opportunity to see and spend time with them. We enjoyed our day filled with exploring the Naval Museum, shopping, gabbing, and (my always favorite) eating. It always amazes me how at home we feel when someone comes to visit us in our new Florida environment. It’s comforting and familiar and often I crave it! Jered, Jaala, and sweet little AzjLynn gave us the gift of home during their visit.

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A few days after our day trip to Pensacola we celebrated Scott’s Golden Birthday! I’m ever thankful for the day he was born 24 years ago and I always make a much bigger deal of it than he would like. I just love birthdays and enjoy all the spoiling I’m able to pour out!

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This past Saturday we had the pleasure of attending an Air Force ball! One of the things every new military wife dreams of! The night was formal and everything I had hoped! I enjoyed dressing up and Scott enjoyed playing hours of video games as I prepped! (Haha.) We had a blast and will absolutely be going again next year!

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AF ball

This season is sweet and I hope it continues for awhile, but when the bitter taste of life strikes again I’ll continue to refine and build myself up into the woman God has set out for me to be!!

 

Coping.

23 Jul

I have struggled with the thought of actually writing this out. Writing puts a kind of finality on an event. It’s black and white, if it’s written…it’s documented. I have always found comfort in putting down my thoughts and feelings, so for therapeutic reasons I’ll write.

This month has held the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever felt. I pray no one has to go through the hurt and pain that comes with a miscarriage. One of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that people don’t recognize your loss as a true one. They tell you “It’s OK, you can try again,” “At least now you know you can get pregnant,” “You’ll be OK because in a few months you can try again.” What people don’t realize is that all you want is THAT baby. I know everyone means well and is trying to be encouraging but when they tell us to “just try again,’  it’s as if they’re telling us that we shouldn’t be grieving the tiny life my body once held.

The minute you find out you’re going to be a parent you love that baby instantly. I’ve never felt such an intense love as I did when I found out. You make plans for this child, you dream of all the potential, you pray every second of everyday that the baby is growing strong and that it will have all the right things to succeed in the World. Your life changes, from that moment you’re not living for yourself anymore. Your diet changes, you buy a water filter, you take all the right vitamins, you mother that child in your womb the same as you would the rest of it’s life. I was it’s mommy and I can’t help but feel guilt because my body couldn’t protect the baby and carry it full term. The guilt ate me alive for the first few weeks. I went over everything wondering where I went wrong. There will never be answers to this because there’s no explanation other than for some reason my body and the baby’s body didn’t line up somehow.

I know we never got to hold our baby, to rock it to sleep, to hear it’s perfect baby laugh, to comfort it when it cried but all the same…we loved and lost.

Slowly things are returning to normal in our home. I no longer lay on the couch staring at the wall for hours on end. I can actually bring myself to leave the house and socialize with my friends. I still can’t talk about it much. I can say a few sentences and then I feel myself breaking down all over again so I change the subject. I keep hoping that one morning I’ll wake up and the ache will be gone but I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is always going to be a hurt in me. I’m always going to wonder what our baby would have looked like, what it’s first words would have been, what kind of sports and hobbies he/she would play. I’ll never know and that’s something my heart can’t grasp. How can you love a little being so much and never really get to spend time with it? It’s unfair that you love so deeply just to have that baby gone in an instant. Feels as though it’s a cruel joke and someone will pop up at any second and yell “JUST KIDDING” and our lives will continue on in the same joyous bliss we had when we were still expecting.

I know forgetting would be the easiest route, just act as though it never happened and continue on, but…I don’t have a heart that can do that. I never want to forget. We were creating a child that God gave to us and I refuse to act like that little life didn’t matter. Many couples, when experiencing a miscarriage, feel a need to hide it and because of that it becomes a matter of shame. I want others to know I carried a baby who we loved utterly and deeply. We had names, nurseries planned, dreams, and most of all we had LOVE for this baby. I would do absolutely anything to have that baby’s heart beating alongside my own again.

We’re doing alright though, we’re coping. Some days are harder than others but we’re healing. I still flinch whenever I see the due date on a calendar and  it will take some time for me to no longer look at pregnant ladies longingly and jealously. I was one of them, feeling the joy of pregnancy, and someday I will feel it again but for now…I’m taking it day by day. I’m blessed to have amazing friends and family who have held tightly to me keeping me from slipping down a hill of depression, which I was bordering on. I’ve been so grateful for my husband who is my safety net. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to walk through this with. I know God works through these tragedies of life and although we still struggle with “why” we find comfort in knowing that God has something wonderful in store for us.

Even when clouds are blocking the sun completely, God will send the rainbow!

2 married years.

24 Jun

This weekend we celebrated our 2 year marriage anniversary!

I usually stand back amazed at how quickly time has flown but this anniversary I really felt that we lived the time. In many ways the last year was one of the most difficult we’ve had, but through it we grew. Growing is so essential as we go throughout the daily grind, if we’re not growing we’re wasting. I can say that we aren’t the people we were a year ago. I get sad saying that because I know I lost a lot of my naive thinking about the world and how I thought that life always turned into a fairy tale. It’s cliche to say “fairy tale” but I think in the back of our minds we all still really hope that it exists. Our love is the only thing that boarders on that dream but life gets in the way of getting through that one amazingly difficult trial and then everything is perfect. Life isn’t that way, it’s a series of one trouble or difficulty after another. If you’re lucky you’re given just as many blessings to break up the difficulty.

We are extremely blessed!! We live in a house we love, an area we love, have amazing friends here already, and we have wonderful friends and family who have always supported us back home. Don’t think I’m saying that our life isn’t wonderful by saying it’s challenging! I enjoy the challenge! I love being able to say “I survived this,” “I overcame that!” I feel pride looking back on the last 365 days! Conquering the distance that separated us the majority of this last year gives us the knowledge we need to survive this Air Force lifestyle. It was hard having to learn this reality right out the gate but in all honestly I think it gave us a foot up  because we know what to expect and gave us future confidence in thinking “we got this!!”

God has been the center of our marriage or believe me…we would have failed long ago! He gives us the encouragement we need to love and cherish each other. He guides us in our decisions and leads us away from anything that could be detrimental. The older I get the more I realize that I’m absolutely helpless and effect-less without my God! I always thought the older you got the better you became at handling yourself but that’s not at all true. I think we finally become humble and realize it’s OK to say “I have no idea what I’m doing! I need help!” I hate asking for help and maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long for this realization to hit me.

I’m thankful for this past year, not because it was butterflies, rainbows, and romance but because we truly LIVED! We went out on a ledge and had faith that God would catch us if we only let go! He caught us and blessed us with everything we need! We are content and excited beyond words for the new set of blessings God has for us this coming year! We already know it’s going to be the biggest of our lives! We must continue to trust in our Lord and know that our needs will be met!

“Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.” -Psalm 36:5 

anniversary

Home and opportunities.

21 May

Wow, another month is behind us! I can’t believe how quickly time keeps flying by!

The day after we were completely settled into our new home I had to start packing my suitcase again to go home to Colorado! (Boy, do I hate suitcase living!) I was excited to come see everyone but it was extremely hard to think of leaving so soon after getting here. We hadn’t even settled into a routine and here I was flying away again. I’ve come to have a love/hate relationship with travel, I love it once I get there but I always hate the leaving where I’m at part.
The trip home was wonderful but it came and went in a blink! I had every day packed full of something to do and yet I STILL didn’t fit everything and everyone in. I was able to see my brother graduate with his chemistry degree from School of Mines, which was the whole reason for my trip home. I wouldn’t have missed this huge day in his life for the world! I am so proud of him! He’s so determined and has a brain so intricate that mine is jealous! My brain would have exploded on the first day of classes if I tried down that route! [haha]

The biggest downside to being an Air Force spouse, that I’ve had to come to terms with, is that you’re always going to be missing someone! If you’re not with your husband you miss him. When you move across the country you miss your family and friends. It’s hard realizing that your life will never feel the wholeness that you had when everyone lived in the same town. I miss that feeling.

I got home on Sunday and I’m still pooped from traveling and activities in Junction. It always takes me a few days to get all caught up on sleep and be myself again. It’s good to be back though. It’s amazing how quickly Florida has come to feel like home! I can’t wait to finally have our routine worked out and be completely at ease here, but for now I’m content with our situation.

God opened an amazing opportunity to reach out to other Air Force girlfriends, fiances, and wives this week! I interviewed online to be an administrator of a sister page to a high trafficked Facebook page (with nearly 8,000 likes!) The original page is for all the branches combined and I interviewed for the Air Force specific page. The interview included an application and three days full of random essay questions. Everyone I talk to about it says this seems a little extreme over a Facebook page but the ladies who make these pages want to make sure they’re putting quality people in these admin positions who know what they’re doing and talking about. We have to make sure that crucial information of troop movement and other safety issues stay on wraps. As the admins of the page we’re responsible of keeping anything that may violate these rules off the page. It may all sound silly to you but I’m really proud that I was chosen as one of the 3 to run this page! I have been praying for something to come along that would give me the chance to reach out and encourage ladies in my same position. The page in 3 days of being up and running has already received almost 200 likes so our audience that we’re reaching will continue to grow! God is good and placed this right in my lap! I want to be an encouragement and a guiding light to women who feel as lost as I did going into this lifestyle. As a military wife you’re in constant fear of the unknown and if I can help at least one person feel a little less fearful and lift their spirits just an inch I’ll do it! So this is where I’ll be pouring out my energy and time.

Once again I’m blown away by God’s faithfulness and the blessings He gives us!

david grad

Good riddance…

1 Mar

My mom has said that sometimes God allows things to go wrong before a big change as a way of making you ready to move on from the current stage you’re standing in. I can say that’s precisely what has happened over the past month! Everything I was holding a tight grasp on, in my life here in Junction, suddenly became a burden, an annoyance, or a hurt. I have complete closure and excitement to be moving on past this place.

I of course will miss my friends and family but all the other things that had their ties on me have been cut. They no longer have the strength to hold me here or the capacity to entrap my mind. I feel free, free to move and start this new adventure and free to enjoy the new blessings of this life!

Three weeks from today Scott will be home and we will be getting everything in order for our move to Florida.

No looking back, only forward!

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Getting this ball rolling!

8 Feb

After months and months of waiting and wondering when this nightmare of separation would be ending, we can now look ahead and see the light waiting for us at the end of the tunnel! Scott starts his final phase of training this month on the 15th! We were worried after finishing his Intel training that he would be at a stand still waiting for a SERE (survival training) date, but once again God surprises us and reminds us that He’s always looking out!

We have much to do over the next couple months with Scott finishing his training in  the middle of next month, going to Florida for a 3 day training, then coming home to do the Recruiters Assistant Program and move me with him to our first Air Force base! It’s going to be a little frantic but we are looking forward to the wonderful reward of being together again!

Dates are being scheduled for the movers to come! I can’t believe after all the lonely nights of waiting that we are finally here! Well, almost. At least now we can start setting it all in stone! As each new thing gets scheduled reality sets further in. I can now allow my hopes to build up and my excitement to bubble over! I’ve been shoving them down for so long, as to not be disappointed, and now there’s nothing to dampen my mood!

We’ll be together soon!!!!!!!

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.”      -Romans 5:3-4

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Florida here we come!

7 Jan

We recently found out that we will be stationed at Hurlburt Field AFB in Pensacola Florida! We couldn’t be happier! We were told that it would be nearly impossible to get your #1 pick on your first dream sheet but Scott did! God blesses us!!!

Scott’s sister lives near Tampa Florida and we’re thrilled to be so close to Karen and her hubby Matt! Even though it’s a 6 hour drive at least it’s doable on long weekends and for Holidays! Family is very important to Scott and I, and being close to them makes moving to a foreign place much easier.

karen and matt

On top of being close to family we also have a handful of friends being stationed at the same base.:

Scott’s friend he’s been with all the way through tech school will be joining us on our move. I’m so thankful for Chris and the friendship he has given Scott over the last few months we’ve been apart. He’s been such an encouragement to Scotty and it’s given me peace knowing Scott isn’t lonely.

chris

I have become wonderful friends with an Air Force wife whose husband was in Scott’s Basic Training Flight. Francesca and I have talked ever since 2 weeks into basic training and there hasn’t been a day that has gone by without us talking.  Who would have guessed that after 7 months of texting and calling that we would be getting stationed at the exact same base in Florida! It’s amazing how God looks out for our needs and emotions!

francesca

I also have a friend I went to youth group with who’s getting stationed with her husband at Eglin AFB which is 12 miles from us! AMAZING! What are the chances?! I have so much fun with Tifanie and we can’t wait for many many beach dates!

tifanie

I can’t believe how wonderful our Lord is to give us all these instant friends at our new home! There is always a divine plan and this is proof of it! We’re ready for some beach time and to switch up our daily routine. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us in this coming year! We still don’t have a date for our move but it will be anytime between the middle of February to the end of April. We can finally see the end in sight! Be praying that our patience will stay strong! ;]

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Waiting…

9 Oct

When going through the basic training experience I thought I was in the worst stage of our Air Force journey…OH BOY, was I in for a cruel awakening! Tech school is BY FAR much more difficult than Basic.  How you ask? I’ll tell ya! Basic was difficult because you couldn’t talk everyday and you constantly were wondering what your future Airman was up to BUT you always knew what to expect! Everything was laid out. You could almost always count on a phone call on Sunday, you would get a love letter a week, and you knew the exact day you would be together again. It was reliable. I’m a fan of reliability!

Tech school on the other hand is the opposite of reliable. We know nothing 99.9% of the time. The first part of Scott’s Tech training was a breeze! He went straight in after BMT [basic military training] and finished on time. This second part, he’s hung up on though, is not a breeze by any definition. He arrived at Goodfellow at the beginning of September and STILL hasn’t started. They haven’t even given an estimate of when he will start. There’s been no reason for the delay given and no hints have been dropped. It’s so frustrating. He’s just been cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, and I’ve been praying, praying, praying. We both don’t enjoy being apart but knowing the end would help. We were under the impression that we would be stationed together in December but with the delay it’s looking more like February or March. That seems so much unfairly longer.

Patience is still not something that comes easily to me, it probably never will, but God’s working on me. I’m gonna need to learn to be content with every step of this journey and learn to smile through the rain!

57 letters later.

29 Jul

We’re almost at the end!!! Some moments have blown on by and others have been the slowest of my life. All I can really say is, I’m glad to be on this end of it!

By the time I jump on a plane I will have written 57 letters. Jeeze, so many days and memories my husband couldn’t be part of. I can’t wait for the new memories that will make up our lifetime together. The strength we have acquired through this tough time will give us the tools and courage to conquer all the difficulties this lifestyle will bring. I have been saying that it’s kind of  like a boot camp for wives too. We have to learn to get all the usual things around the house done that a husband does. Since Scott has been gone I’ve done every man-like chore you can think of. I didn’t think I would ever be able to figure out some of the things Scott does for me. I’m pretty proud of myself though! I still would much rather have a husband to deal with the cars and trash but I know that in his absence I can handle it. Freeing and exhilarating at the same time.

The last two months of my life have been filled with so many tears that I think I could fill a whole bathtub, two times over. I’m thankful that this stage is over! Although we still won’t be living in the same home, we will have so much more communication! I can’t wait to be able to send him a text again. (Not that I didn’t try. 10 text messages have been sent to his turned off phone. Habits are hard to break.) The simple things I miss the most. I want to go grocery shopping with him again. Spend Thursdays cleaning our apartment. Watch the rain fall. The things that make up a normal day are taken for granted until you do them without the one that made them special in the first place. I miss the normality of having Scott home. I constantly feel like I’m out of my element. I never understood fully what it meant to be “one” until I was missing my other half. It always feels like you have a giant hole in your life. You always wake up feeling like you’re forgetting something, like something is missing and the feeling never fades. The hurt is deep but it’s so very fully worth it!

As I start packing my bags to fly out Wednesday I feel giddy! It feels like a first date. I get those little butterflies flying around in my core. I imagine the moment I first see him. What I should wear. How I should act. Every stupid thought our minds take when we over think a situation. I’ve been living for this moment. Focusing on it to just make it through. I want every outfit to be perfect and to look my very best! I’ve been working out like a crazy lady just hoping to tone those areas that drive a woman mad! I want his jaw to drop and to realize what he’s been missing. My mom made the point that I could probably gain 400 pounds and he would still be excited to see me. This is true because I have a loving husband who thinks the world of me, BUT it was more of a goal I set for myself! I have started seeing improvements making the work outs seem like it’s worth the sweat and time. Thank goodness. I just want to be at my best.

The second I see him will be very similar to our wedding day, walking down the isle. With every step you think of all the struggles and joys that brought you to this very moment! It will be emotional and the tears will come flooding out. (Reminds me, I need to pack tissue. ;]) I can’t wait to see him in the uniform that he’s told me he so proudly wears. I can’t wait to see that smile he saves just for me. The feeling of his arms around me. ALL OF IT! I have been striving to look forward to this day. A day that is now only 4 days away! I hope the last days fly by and the moments we share in San Antonio drag on! I also pray that we remember these feelings and never forget how desperately we love and need each other.

Our God is good and He brought us over another mountain!!!!

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