23 Jul

I have struggled with the thought of actually writing this out. Writing puts a kind of finality on an event. It’s black and white, if it’s written…it’s documented. I have always found comfort in putting down my thoughts and feelings, so for therapeutic reasons I’ll write.

This month has held the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever felt. I pray no one has to go through the hurt and pain that comes with a miscarriage. One of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that people don’t recognize your loss as a true one. They tell you “It’s OK, you can try again,” “At least now you know you can get pregnant,” “You’ll be OK because in a few months you can try again.” What people don’t realize is that all you want is THAT baby. I know everyone means well and is trying to be encouraging but when they tell us to “just try again,’  it’s as if they’re telling us that we shouldn’t be grieving the tiny life my body once held.

The minute you find out you’re going to be a parent you love that baby instantly. I’ve never felt such an intense love as I did when I found out. You make plans for this child, you dream of all the potential, you pray every second of everyday that the baby is growing strong and that it will have all the right things to succeed in the World. Your life changes, from that moment you’re not living for yourself anymore. Your diet changes, you buy a water filter, you take all the right vitamins, you mother that child in your womb the same as you would the rest of it’s life. I was it’s mommy and I can’t help but feel guilt because my body couldn’t protect the baby and carry it full term. The guilt ate me alive for the first few weeks. I went over everything wondering where I went wrong. There will never be answers to this because there’s no explanation other than for some reason my body and the baby’s body didn’t line up somehow.

I know we never got to hold our baby, to rock it to sleep, to hear it’s perfect baby laugh, to comfort it when it cried but all the same…we loved and lost.

Slowly things are returning to normal in our home. I no longer lay on the couch staring at the wall for hours on end. I can actually bring myself to leave the house and socialize with my friends. I still can’t talk about it much. I can say a few sentences and then I feel myself breaking down all over again so I change the subject. I keep hoping that one morning I’ll wake up and the ache will be gone but I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is always going to be a hurt in me. I’m always going to wonder what our baby would have looked like, what it’s first words would have been, what kind of sports and hobbies he/she would play. I’ll never know and that’s something my heart can’t grasp. How can you love a little being so much and never really get to spend time with it? It’s unfair that you love so deeply just to have that baby gone in an instant. Feels as though it’s a cruel joke and someone will pop up at any second and yell “JUST KIDDING” and our lives will continue on in the same joyous bliss we had when we were still expecting.

I know forgetting would be the easiest route, just act as though it never happened and continue on, but…I don’t have a heart that can do that. I never want to forget. We were creating a child that God gave to us and I refuse to act like that little life didn’t matter. Many couples, when experiencing a miscarriage, feel a need to hide it and because of that it becomes a matter of shame. I want others to know I carried a baby who we loved utterly and deeply. We had names, nurseries planned, dreams, and most of all we had LOVE for this baby. I would do absolutely anything to have that baby’s heart beating alongside my own again.

We’re doing alright though, we’re coping. Some days are harder than others but we’re healing. I still flinch whenever I see the due date on a calendar and  it will take some time for me to no longer look at pregnant ladies longingly and jealously. I was one of them, feeling the joy of pregnancy, and someday I will feel it again but for now…I’m taking it day by day. I’m blessed to have amazing friends and family who have held tightly to me keeping me from slipping down a hill of depression, which I was bordering on. I’ve been so grateful for my husband who is my safety net. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to walk through this with. I know God works through these tragedies of life and although we still struggle with “why” we find comfort in knowing that God has something wonderful in store for us.

Even when clouds are blocking the sun completely, God will send the rainbow!


4 Responses to “Coping.”

  1. Janna July 23, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

    Oh, Alyssa. I am so sorry. I have been through that before. I saw your other post about the insensitivity of the doctor, and I wondered if it was a miscarriage. The doctor I saw was very insensitive too. I was thankful that I had a dear friend (Brandy Dungan) with me during that office visit, as my husband was out of town. Just know that you will find comfort and peace soon. I am not going to pretend that it gets easier, but I know from experience that the comfort and peace of Jesus begins to fill the sorrow. It is okay to grieve and feel sorrow for as long as you need. There are times when I still think of the baby I lost and that was almost 12 years ago. I am comforted knowing that when I get to heaven, I will be reunited with my baby. I will be praying for peace and comfort for you, Alyssa.

  2. Trish July 24, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

    We continue to pray…love you guys.

  3. caroldearborn July 24, 2013 at 2:00 pm #

    Oh Alyssa, I am at my computer crying. I’d dearly love to come cry with you. I remember once being in a menopausal funk, sad that I had a stroke instead of a baby, and a woman here saying ‘That just means God has other plans for you.’A cheerful thought, but don’t stop grieving! It may come out years later in a distorted form and hurt someone.

    I’m making no sense here. Just know that I love you too, and Scott, thank you for being such a good husband. Knew you would.

  4. Ann Maloney July 27, 2013 at 10:26 am #

    Alyssa, we love you and Scott so much and know that our prayers are very near you. We grieve with you both!! love in Christ Jesus, Mom

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