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Baby #2.

30 Nov

I’m still in disbelief that God has blessed us with another baby on the way! What a perfectly timed blessing in our lives. God knew we needed something new and shiny to bring us joy during this difficult year of grieving.

When something so tragic and unexpected happens you feel as though happy things will never be able to happen again. You’re sure nothing will ever make your heart leap for joy and that you’re destined to always live in a state of gloom. God thankfully proves us wrong. He heals our hearts and then sends His blessings down, as a reminder that He is a God of goodness and faithfulness. I for one desperately needed this reminder.

I still have had a hard time completely accepting the joy of this baby. You almost doubt that something will even turn out right after a hard year. It wasn’t until I hit the 12th week of this pregnancy that I allowed myself to be happy. I was just so scared that we might lose the baby and have yet another set of grief to deal with. I think too that once you’ve had one miscarriage it takes away your ability to convince yourself that “it won’t happen to me” and you worry that it will again. I still worry a bit, but it’s more in the back of my mind and I’m praying for God to quiet my anxious heart. I just love and want this baby so badly and it terrified me to think of losing it.

I’m so very thankful for this sweet blessing and I can’t wait to see what our new life as a family of 4 looks like. Royal is so excited for the new addition. Royal’s constantly asking if he can “cuddle the baby” and he crawls up and lays on my stomach. It melts my heart. It’s funny to me that he can have an understanding of what’s happening even when we haven’t spent much time explaining it to him. It’s going to turn his little life upside down, but I truly believe he’s going to be a wonderful big brother and so very helpful with the new baby.

I wish more than anything that my Dad was here to share in this happiness with us because I know he’d be crying tears of joy and be cheering us on every step of the way, but I know that he’s celebrating in Heaven and he’s probably dancing a happy dance for his new grand-baby.

From tragedy comes triumph. From death comes new life.
We are blessed.

“To console those who mourn,
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
-Isaiah 61:3a

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Soon to be Mom.

10 May

This Mother’s Day I’ll be taking some time to reflect on the last year and how I thought I may never get the blessing of a child or the gift of being a Mommy. Words can’t even describe how thankful I am to be sitting here in my third trimester with a rib kicking baby boy only months away from making his way into the world. This little miracle will be the light of my life! I will never take him for granted because I know what an absolute blessing he is.

When you have lived the nightmare of miscarriage you are fully able to grasp how very precious a little life is. I can’t say I’m thankful for the loss we endured last July but I am thankful that we have this knowledge and through that the appreciation for our little boy. I pray that I am able to be the very best Mom I can be to our son and I know God will help me through all of the struggles just as He helped me through the last roller-coaster of a year. It blows my mind to realize that we have come completely full circle this July. How can a July of the first year be an absolute terror and the very next year be the best month of our lives?! I’m in amazement that our son’s due date fell in the same month! Talk about redeeming a month that I thought I would always dread! I will always cringe when we land on July 4th, in memory of our lost baby, but no longer does the entire month have a dark gloomy cloud surrounding it. God is amazing like that! He takes what was an absolute life shattering experience and turns it into something complete and beautiful. He never leaves our side as He reveals His glorious plans for our lives.

I am beginning to get so impatient for “Smalls” to get here! Every time he wiggles or drags his elbow across my stomach I just smile and wish I could cuddle him up! Then in the same breathe I get sad thinking of him not being in my tummy anymore. I like that he’s just mine right now and I don’t have to share him. (Haha.)

I was watching a TV show recently where the mom was helping her child get ready to leave for college and I started crying! Scott asked me what the heck was happening and I told him through tears “He’s going to leave me and go to college someday!!” My husband was shocked and said while laughing, “Alyssa, he’s not even born yet!” I blame the hormones but I know that I’m going to hold onto every one of these beautiful moments of him growing up like they are sand slipping through my fingers. I hear too often that children grow up way too fast and it terrifies me to think that I won’t be there for every cuddle, smile, and milestone he goes through! I can’t wait to watch him as he grows up and becomes the man God created him to be, although I secretly pray it goes by ever so slowly!

I am so happy and proud that I get to be the one he calls Mommy! Happy Mother’s Day!

preggo lyssa beach

Beautiful things.

15 Nov

When I come into a hard time in my life there is always a quote, verse, or song that stands out to me and then suddenly it becomes my mantra. I think it’s important to hold onto something solid and true when the world around you is spinning out of control. You need a constant thing that stays the same to encourage you when breaking seems like the next step.

In this season of my life the song above, “Beautiful Things” by Gungor, has been that said mantra. It has spoken into my life that God is making something beautiful out of all this. I need that reminder especially when everything around us seems dirty, ugly, and broken. Knowing that God is working something beautiful from these ashes of our life makes my heart joyful.

When I heard this song for the first time at church months ago it was only a week after the miscarriage. I was absolutely 100% at my lowest. I was so angry! Angry at God for letting this happen to us and angry that I had to stay living in a world where such heartbreak resides. I couldn’t find my place and I honestly didn’t care to know where that place even was, I was content to just float. In the midst of my anger, standing with everyone during the worship service, this song was played and immediately tears came running down my face. The words spoke the truth I needed to hear. My hands flew up and I wept to God silently, letting the emotions and words my heart couldn’t speak out of my body and lifting them high to my Heavenly Father!

Every Sunday I would walk into church still just angry as the week before but God continued to put this song in the worship lineup until finally my silly self realized He was trying to comfort me and I was the one shutting Him out. After the service I downloaded the song off of iTunes and I began playing it whenever a hint of doubt in my loving Savior would arise. Whenever my heart would ache for the baby I would never hold, I played it. When I couldn’t get myself to face the day I would put it on repeat until my feet would touch the bedroom floor. God is wonderful and He used this as the gateway to encourage me, knowing that music is one of the most powerful influences on my life. God loved me enough to find the perfect instrument! He came to me and didn’t wait for me to come back around to Him. I think that is just too cool! What an amazing God we serve!

It has now been a little over 4 months since the terrible day that will forever be etched on my heart but God has carried me through. I had a tearful breakdown again last night, mourning our baby who will never be, and I don’t think I’ve cried the last of my tears over it but that’s OK! I can now see hope springing up from this old ground and the beautiful things coming from dust! Boy, it feels good to be standing here in the exact place God brought us to.

I’m so hopeful of what is to come, and even though we’re not completely whole again, God is continually clearing the way for all the beauty our lives are to hold! This song no longer fills my eyes with broken and beaten tears, but with tears of joy I’m able to smile and know that God is making me new!!

Seasons.

30 Sep

 

“To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die;
A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, And a time to heal;
A time to break down, And a time to build up;
A time to weep, And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, And a time to lose;
A time to keep, And a time to throw away;
A time to tear, And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;
A time to love, And a time to hate;
A time of war, And a time of peace.” -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This time of year we realize all the beauty that comes with the changes in season. You start looking forward to seeing the leaves change colors and for the days when you get to pull out your cozy sweaters and cute fall boots. You can’t wait for the air to feel crisp and to have a hot drink in your hand again. There is something so comforting in knowing there will be a change coming. It’s almost like we wake up to a different life and feel new again. God knows that we need the seasons to feel refreshed.

We are always so thankful for the changes in weather as we transition from hot-stuffy-summer to cool-crisp-fall, from sneezy-allergy-ridden fall to chilly-cozy-winter, from freezing-dreary-winter into beautiful-fresh-spring, and from rainy-muddy-spring into fun-exciting-summer again. We get so irritated with the current season we’re in towards the end of it and want to be on to the next. I think the same is true  within our lives. If we were always living life without any disturbances we would be ready for the next thing, never enjoying the stage we are walking in.

I could never grasp the beauty of the verse above when I was younger, it was just one of those verses you were forced to learn, going to a Christian private school, and you logged it away right after you were tested on your memory and knew you’d passed. It held no importance to me as I didn’t know what it meant to live some of the trials listed. I only knew the up-side to each line: peace, love, laughter, and dancing; these are the things all childhoods should be filled with. On the other side of the coin, I also didn’t know how to appreciate the ups because I’d never felt the hard downs.

I would say that before this past season in our lives I was still begrudgingly looking at the hard times as an annoyance and just something to rush out of and pray that you came out less damaged than when you went in. “Brush yourself off and move on” was my mentality. I was missing out on a lot of self-growing using this method. What good are your trials if you don’t spend the time realizing your weaknesses and building an addition to yourself that you may not have had before? I hadn’t been finding beauty in the ashes.

I’m now learning to grow in the down times and thrive in the ups.

This month was a huge UP!!!! We needed this month after the two that had battered us before. We started September off near Tampa visiting Scott’s sister Karen and her hubby Matt. It was wonderful to get away, on the long weekend, and just feel alive again. We needed the fun that comes with only caring about where you’re going to eat and floating from one activity to the next. There’s true healing that comes with surrounding yourself with people who love you and also know how to cheer you up with a good time.

tampa

Mid month we had friends we knew in Colorado come from North Dakota to a nearby town, so of course we jumped at the opportunity to see and spend time with them. We enjoyed our day filled with exploring the Naval Museum, shopping, gabbing, and (my always favorite) eating. It always amazes me how at home we feel when someone comes to visit us in our new Florida environment. It’s comforting and familiar and often I crave it! Jered, Jaala, and sweet little AzjLynn gave us the gift of home during their visit.

pensacola

A few days after our day trip to Pensacola we celebrated Scott’s Golden Birthday! I’m ever thankful for the day he was born 24 years ago and I always make a much bigger deal of it than he would like. I just love birthdays and enjoy all the spoiling I’m able to pour out!

scottbday

This past Saturday we had the pleasure of attending an Air Force ball! One of the things every new military wife dreams of! The night was formal and everything I had hoped! I enjoyed dressing up and Scott enjoyed playing hours of video games as I prepped! (Haha.) We had a blast and will absolutely be going again next year!

afball

AF ball

This season is sweet and I hope it continues for awhile, but when the bitter taste of life strikes again I’ll continue to refine and build myself up into the woman God has set out for me to be!!

 

Learning.

22 Aug

If this month has taught me one thing, it’s to let others help me.

Those who know me, who truly and deeply know me, know that I am not one to admit I need help. I struggle, and most times no one knows. People have called it strength but honestly, it’s the opposite. Somehow I get it in my head that asking for help is a weakness and showing that side of myself is a sign of failing. I have been working on this because it absolutely comes down to being prideful.

I am a strong person but this month I realized there are just some things you can’t face alone. The burden has almost smothered me a few times. Any emotion: happy, sad, anger, excitement, comes out in a full on emotional breakdown with tears and all. Before I traveled home for a visit I thought I was fine. I was safe in my Florida bubble where nothing unpredictable happened. I was able to become numb and guarded (one of my key defenses to grief.) I knew my routine and not too much was expected of me. If I felt overwhelmed I could throw myself into a project to distract from the terrible thoughts and feelings that came swirling through my mind like a destructive tornado. What I thought was safe was actually a curse to my needed healing.

While home in Colorado I faced so much busyness that whenever I had a rare down moment the depression would hit, and it hit me hard. It ate at me and soon I would be utterly speechless (shocking I know) and staring off into the distance. I was playing my “I’m ok!” role so well that when I did have a moment to myself, and could take my happy face off, all that was left was the ugly mess that is my emotional state right now. Sadly, these moments only happened around my family so they got the crappy “not at all herself” Lyssa. I was exhausted. Pretending to be alright is a lot of work. This all shocked me because as I said, I really thought I was back to myself and healed almost fully.

I’m thankful to the trip home for making me aware of my fragile emotions. If I hadn’t gone home I can’t be certain I would have come to realize the struggle going on inside of me. I’m a happy person, I always have been and I pray that I always will be! Feeling down all the time fights the very threads of my being so I don’t know how to function as the new “damaged and broken” me. I know for a fact that I won’t always be broken but for now…I am. I need to come to terms with that and accept it because the first step to healing is knowing you’re not complete in your grieving form.

I have wonderful friends and family who WANT to help me through the tough times in my life and by not letting them I’m only hurting and selling myself short on the healing I need. I have always known I have a wonderful support system and people who deeply love me, just knowing this was not enough for me to actually LET THEM show love and support. To receive these things you have to allow them to be given to you! I’m a silly girl with silly notions, I figured just knowing I had those waiting for me on the sidelines was enough to heal on my own. What a stupid silly fool I am! I NEED to be supported right now! I need God to hold me to Himself and cradle me until the storm has passed, and I need my friends and family to hold my hand through the moments when utter despair engulfs me!

I need help!!! I’m learning that only by admitting this can you truly feel the gravity of love around you. If we’ve never fallen, how can we be certain something won’t catch us? I feel blessed in knowing I’ll always have people to break my fall. In coming back to Florida I’ve resolved to talk more about my emotions. It’s become more comfortable saying “I’m having a difficult time.” I don’t know what I was so scared of…maybe that my friends would look at me like I lost my mind or that I am a whiny little creature?! Instead all I’ve seen are eyes looking back at me with pure love and compassion. I’m loved, and just realizing and seeing it makes the fear I’ve carried around seem so juvenile and ridiculous. I’m far from where I want to be, but I finally feel as though I’m taking steps in the right direction.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.” -Ecclesiastes 3:11a

Coping.

23 Jul

I have struggled with the thought of actually writing this out. Writing puts a kind of finality on an event. It’s black and white, if it’s written…it’s documented. I have always found comfort in putting down my thoughts and feelings, so for therapeutic reasons I’ll write.

This month has held the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever felt. I pray no one has to go through the hurt and pain that comes with a miscarriage. One of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that people don’t recognize your loss as a true one. They tell you “It’s OK, you can try again,” “At least now you know you can get pregnant,” “You’ll be OK because in a few months you can try again.” What people don’t realize is that all you want is THAT baby. I know everyone means well and is trying to be encouraging but when they tell us to “just try again,’  it’s as if they’re telling us that we shouldn’t be grieving the tiny life my body once held.

The minute you find out you’re going to be a parent you love that baby instantly. I’ve never felt such an intense love as I did when I found out. You make plans for this child, you dream of all the potential, you pray every second of everyday that the baby is growing strong and that it will have all the right things to succeed in the World. Your life changes, from that moment you’re not living for yourself anymore. Your diet changes, you buy a water filter, you take all the right vitamins, you mother that child in your womb the same as you would the rest of it’s life. I was it’s mommy and I can’t help but feel guilt because my body couldn’t protect the baby and carry it full term. The guilt ate me alive for the first few weeks. I went over everything wondering where I went wrong. There will never be answers to this because there’s no explanation other than for some reason my body and the baby’s body didn’t line up somehow.

I know we never got to hold our baby, to rock it to sleep, to hear it’s perfect baby laugh, to comfort it when it cried but all the same…we loved and lost.

Slowly things are returning to normal in our home. I no longer lay on the couch staring at the wall for hours on end. I can actually bring myself to leave the house and socialize with my friends. I still can’t talk about it much. I can say a few sentences and then I feel myself breaking down all over again so I change the subject. I keep hoping that one morning I’ll wake up and the ache will be gone but I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is always going to be a hurt in me. I’m always going to wonder what our baby would have looked like, what it’s first words would have been, what kind of sports and hobbies he/she would play. I’ll never know and that’s something my heart can’t grasp. How can you love a little being so much and never really get to spend time with it? It’s unfair that you love so deeply just to have that baby gone in an instant. Feels as though it’s a cruel joke and someone will pop up at any second and yell “JUST KIDDING” and our lives will continue on in the same joyous bliss we had when we were still expecting.

I know forgetting would be the easiest route, just act as though it never happened and continue on, but…I don’t have a heart that can do that. I never want to forget. We were creating a child that God gave to us and I refuse to act like that little life didn’t matter. Many couples, when experiencing a miscarriage, feel a need to hide it and because of that it becomes a matter of shame. I want others to know I carried a baby who we loved utterly and deeply. We had names, nurseries planned, dreams, and most of all we had LOVE for this baby. I would do absolutely anything to have that baby’s heart beating alongside my own again.

We’re doing alright though, we’re coping. Some days are harder than others but we’re healing. I still flinch whenever I see the due date on a calendar and  it will take some time for me to no longer look at pregnant ladies longingly and jealously. I was one of them, feeling the joy of pregnancy, and someday I will feel it again but for now…I’m taking it day by day. I’m blessed to have amazing friends and family who have held tightly to me keeping me from slipping down a hill of depression, which I was bordering on. I’ve been so grateful for my husband who is my safety net. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to walk through this with. I know God works through these tragedies of life and although we still struggle with “why” we find comfort in knowing that God has something wonderful in store for us.

Even when clouds are blocking the sun completely, God will send the rainbow!