Learning.

22 Aug

If this month has taught me one thing, it’s to let others help me.

Those who know me, who truly and deeply know me, know that I am not one to admit I need help. I struggle, and most times no one knows. People have called it strength but honestly, it’s the opposite. Somehow I get it in my head that asking for help is a weakness and showing that side of myself is a sign of failing. I have been working on this because it absolutely comes down to being prideful.

I am a strong person but this month I realized there are just some things you can’t face alone. The burden has almost smothered me a few times. Any emotion: happy, sad, anger, excitement, comes out in a full on emotional breakdown with tears and all. Before I traveled home for a visit I thought I was fine. I was safe in my Florida bubble where nothing unpredictable happened. I was able to become numb and guarded (one of my key defenses to grief.) I knew my routine and not too much was expected of me. If I felt overwhelmed I could throw myself into a project to distract from the terrible thoughts and feelings that came swirling through my mind like a destructive tornado. What I thought was safe was actually a curse to my needed healing.

While home in Colorado I faced so much busyness that whenever I had a rare down moment the depression would hit, and it hit me hard. It ate at me and soon I would be utterly speechless (shocking I know) and staring off into the distance. I was playing my “I’m ok!” role so well that when I did have a moment to myself, and could take my happy face off, all that was left was the ugly mess that is my emotional state right now. Sadly, these moments only happened around my family so they got the crappy “not at all herself” Lyssa. I was exhausted. Pretending to be alright is a lot of work. This all shocked me because as I said, I really thought I was back to myself and healed almost fully.

I’m thankful to the trip home for making me aware of my fragile emotions. If I hadn’t gone home I can’t be certain I would have come to realize the struggle going on inside of me. I’m a happy person, I always have been and I pray that I always will be! Feeling down all the time fights the very threads of my being so I don’t know how to function as the new “damaged and broken” me. I know for a fact that I won’t always be broken but for now…I am. I need to come to terms with that and accept it because the first step to healing is knowing you’re not complete in your grieving form.

I have wonderful friends and family who WANT to help me through the tough times in my life and by not letting them I’m only hurting and selling myself short on the healing I need. I have always known I have a wonderful support system and people who deeply love me, just knowing this was not enough for me to actually LET THEM show love and support. To receive these things you have to allow them to be given to you! I’m a silly girl with silly notions, I figured just knowing I had those waiting for me on the sidelines was enough to heal on my own. What a stupid silly fool I am! I NEED to be supported right now! I need God to hold me to Himself and cradle me until the storm has passed, and I need my friends and family to hold my hand through the moments when utter despair engulfs me!

I need help!!! I’m learning that only by admitting this can you truly feel the gravity of love around you. If we’ve never fallen, how can we be certain something won’t catch us? I feel blessed in knowing I’ll always have people to break my fall. In coming back to Florida I’ve resolved to talk more about my emotions. It’s become more comfortable saying “I’m having a difficult time.” I don’t know what I was so scared of…maybe that my friends would look at me like I lost my mind or that I am a whiny little creature?! Instead all I’ve seen are eyes looking back at me with pure love and compassion. I’m loved, and just realizing and seeing it makes the fear I’ve carried around seem so juvenile and ridiculous. I’m far from where I want to be, but I finally feel as though I’m taking steps in the right direction.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.” -Ecclesiastes 3:11a

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One Response to “Learning.”

  1. Ann Maloney August 24, 2013 at 10:47 am #

    Alyssa, our Lord Jesus says, He will never leave you, nor forsake you. He has you in His hand, right IN and THROUGH the storm. `~ He says, “In this world, you WILL have trouble, but take heart, I have OVERCOME the world.” We love you, Alyssa, and with the Lord, the distance between us is diminished!! I love you sweetie and am so glad that Scotty is coming home soon!! Mom

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