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Missing something.

21 Oct

Scott and I had an amazing trip home this month that made us want to move back immediately and now we’re kinda sitting in a low place not feeling real content with our current surroundings. We were alright until we were in Colorado and realized that we’re missing out. It’s going to be a very long time (if ever) until we feel as though Fort Walton Beach is home. It won’t ever hold for us the memories of our childhoods or the friends we made along the way, and mostly this place will never be filled with family just a minutes drive away. I hate that.

It’s maybe time to rethink our approach to settling in here. I find myself wondering if I’ve done all I can to make this our home.

I know I’ve put all I can into the house. It’s filled with all the things we’ve collected in our first 2  years of marriage, precious things that make my heart happy to look at, it’s us in every corner. It’s a home we built together even if this isn’t where we want to eventually end up. I’m proud of what we have done with this rental. Of course someday we want a house of our own, but it might not be in the cards while living this military lifestyle. I’m trying to accept that…really, really, really, trying!!

Our relationships here are wonderful! They’re the kind of friends you only hope to meet and I thank God everyday that we all got stationed in the same place. It’s easy to love them. You quickly bond over the fact that we’re all in the same boat and you know without a doubt that you need one another! They’re your family when family is thousands of miles away. You plan holidays together to soften the blow of knowing you won’t see the usual faces around your table. The support net of my friends has kept me going! During the dark months that came this year they carried me and held me close. They cut me slack when I couldn’t be a very good friend because I didn’t even have energy to leave the couch to attend a girl’s day. I’m thankful for the grace they showed me. Now that my health and emotional state is being better resolved I plan on paying them back in full with however much “Alyssa time” they can take. Once I get that in motion I feel as though we may settle in again better.

Church has been a blessing to us but it doesn’t feel like Calvary. We’ve been attending since April and STILL no one knows our names, we’re not used to that. We miss everyone knowing our history and knowing when we’re going through a tough time. I miss having people who want to pray for you and cry with you. If I were to pin point one thing we’re lacking right now…it’s this. We need our fellowship and it’s hard to connect in the few minutes before and after the service. Scott and I can be really shy at times and we’re pretty shy whenever we walk in those doors each week. We shut down and I can’t figure out why. We need to work on this.

Scott and I have come to a realization that from this point on in our lives we will always be missing someone. Right now it’s missing our Colorado friends and family. When/if we move back to Grand Junction we’ll be missing all of the people we’ve met here. I don’t like that. I wish I could just wrap everyone up together and have it all. One can dream right?!

 

 

Seasons.

30 Sep

 

“To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die;
A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, And a time to heal;
A time to break down, And a time to build up;
A time to weep, And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, And a time to lose;
A time to keep, And a time to throw away;
A time to tear, And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;
A time to love, And a time to hate;
A time of war, And a time of peace.” -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This time of year we realize all the beauty that comes with the changes in season. You start looking forward to seeing the leaves change colors and for the days when you get to pull out your cozy sweaters and cute fall boots. You can’t wait for the air to feel crisp and to have a hot drink in your hand again. There is something so comforting in knowing there will be a change coming. It’s almost like we wake up to a different life and feel new again. God knows that we need the seasons to feel refreshed.

We are always so thankful for the changes in weather as we transition from hot-stuffy-summer to cool-crisp-fall, from sneezy-allergy-ridden fall to chilly-cozy-winter, from freezing-dreary-winter into beautiful-fresh-spring, and from rainy-muddy-spring into fun-exciting-summer again. We get so irritated with the current season we’re in towards the end of it and want to be on to the next. I think the same is true  within our lives. If we were always living life without any disturbances we would be ready for the next thing, never enjoying the stage we are walking in.

I could never grasp the beauty of the verse above when I was younger, it was just one of those verses you were forced to learn, going to a Christian private school, and you logged it away right after you were tested on your memory and knew you’d passed. It held no importance to me as I didn’t know what it meant to live some of the trials listed. I only knew the up-side to each line: peace, love, laughter, and dancing; these are the things all childhoods should be filled with. On the other side of the coin, I also didn’t know how to appreciate the ups because I’d never felt the hard downs.

I would say that before this past season in our lives I was still begrudgingly looking at the hard times as an annoyance and just something to rush out of and pray that you came out less damaged than when you went in. “Brush yourself off and move on” was my mentality. I was missing out on a lot of self-growing using this method. What good are your trials if you don’t spend the time realizing your weaknesses and building an addition to yourself that you may not have had before? I hadn’t been finding beauty in the ashes.

I’m now learning to grow in the down times and thrive in the ups.

This month was a huge UP!!!! We needed this month after the two that had battered us before. We started September off near Tampa visiting Scott’s sister Karen and her hubby Matt. It was wonderful to get away, on the long weekend, and just feel alive again. We needed the fun that comes with only caring about where you’re going to eat and floating from one activity to the next. There’s true healing that comes with surrounding yourself with people who love you and also know how to cheer you up with a good time.

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Mid month we had friends we knew in Colorado come from North Dakota to a nearby town, so of course we jumped at the opportunity to see and spend time with them. We enjoyed our day filled with exploring the Naval Museum, shopping, gabbing, and (my always favorite) eating. It always amazes me how at home we feel when someone comes to visit us in our new Florida environment. It’s comforting and familiar and often I crave it! Jered, Jaala, and sweet little AzjLynn gave us the gift of home during their visit.

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A few days after our day trip to Pensacola we celebrated Scott’s Golden Birthday! I’m ever thankful for the day he was born 24 years ago and I always make a much bigger deal of it than he would like. I just love birthdays and enjoy all the spoiling I’m able to pour out!

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This past Saturday we had the pleasure of attending an Air Force ball! One of the things every new military wife dreams of! The night was formal and everything I had hoped! I enjoyed dressing up and Scott enjoyed playing hours of video games as I prepped! (Haha.) We had a blast and will absolutely be going again next year!

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AF ball

This season is sweet and I hope it continues for awhile, but when the bitter taste of life strikes again I’ll continue to refine and build myself up into the woman God has set out for me to be!!

 

Learning.

22 Aug

If this month has taught me one thing, it’s to let others help me.

Those who know me, who truly and deeply know me, know that I am not one to admit I need help. I struggle, and most times no one knows. People have called it strength but honestly, it’s the opposite. Somehow I get it in my head that asking for help is a weakness and showing that side of myself is a sign of failing. I have been working on this because it absolutely comes down to being prideful.

I am a strong person but this month I realized there are just some things you can’t face alone. The burden has almost smothered me a few times. Any emotion: happy, sad, anger, excitement, comes out in a full on emotional breakdown with tears and all. Before I traveled home for a visit I thought I was fine. I was safe in my Florida bubble where nothing unpredictable happened. I was able to become numb and guarded (one of my key defenses to grief.) I knew my routine and not too much was expected of me. If I felt overwhelmed I could throw myself into a project to distract from the terrible thoughts and feelings that came swirling through my mind like a destructive tornado. What I thought was safe was actually a curse to my needed healing.

While home in Colorado I faced so much busyness that whenever I had a rare down moment the depression would hit, and it hit me hard. It ate at me and soon I would be utterly speechless (shocking I know) and staring off into the distance. I was playing my “I’m ok!” role so well that when I did have a moment to myself, and could take my happy face off, all that was left was the ugly mess that is my emotional state right now. Sadly, these moments only happened around my family so they got the crappy “not at all herself” Lyssa. I was exhausted. Pretending to be alright is a lot of work. This all shocked me because as I said, I really thought I was back to myself and healed almost fully.

I’m thankful to the trip home for making me aware of my fragile emotions. If I hadn’t gone home I can’t be certain I would have come to realize the struggle going on inside of me. I’m a happy person, I always have been and I pray that I always will be! Feeling down all the time fights the very threads of my being so I don’t know how to function as the new “damaged and broken” me. I know for a fact that I won’t always be broken but for now…I am. I need to come to terms with that and accept it because the first step to healing is knowing you’re not complete in your grieving form.

I have wonderful friends and family who WANT to help me through the tough times in my life and by not letting them I’m only hurting and selling myself short on the healing I need. I have always known I have a wonderful support system and people who deeply love me, just knowing this was not enough for me to actually LET THEM show love and support. To receive these things you have to allow them to be given to you! I’m a silly girl with silly notions, I figured just knowing I had those waiting for me on the sidelines was enough to heal on my own. What a stupid silly fool I am! I NEED to be supported right now! I need God to hold me to Himself and cradle me until the storm has passed, and I need my friends and family to hold my hand through the moments when utter despair engulfs me!

I need help!!! I’m learning that only by admitting this can you truly feel the gravity of love around you. If we’ve never fallen, how can we be certain something won’t catch us? I feel blessed in knowing I’ll always have people to break my fall. In coming back to Florida I’ve resolved to talk more about my emotions. It’s become more comfortable saying “I’m having a difficult time.” I don’t know what I was so scared of…maybe that my friends would look at me like I lost my mind or that I am a whiny little creature?! Instead all I’ve seen are eyes looking back at me with pure love and compassion. I’m loved, and just realizing and seeing it makes the fear I’ve carried around seem so juvenile and ridiculous. I’m far from where I want to be, but I finally feel as though I’m taking steps in the right direction.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.” -Ecclesiastes 3:11a

Coping.

23 Jul

I have struggled with the thought of actually writing this out. Writing puts a kind of finality on an event. It’s black and white, if it’s written…it’s documented. I have always found comfort in putting down my thoughts and feelings, so for therapeutic reasons I’ll write.

This month has held the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever felt. I pray no one has to go through the hurt and pain that comes with a miscarriage. One of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that people don’t recognize your loss as a true one. They tell you “It’s OK, you can try again,” “At least now you know you can get pregnant,” “You’ll be OK because in a few months you can try again.” What people don’t realize is that all you want is THAT baby. I know everyone means well and is trying to be encouraging but when they tell us to “just try again,’  it’s as if they’re telling us that we shouldn’t be grieving the tiny life my body once held.

The minute you find out you’re going to be a parent you love that baby instantly. I’ve never felt such an intense love as I did when I found out. You make plans for this child, you dream of all the potential, you pray every second of everyday that the baby is growing strong and that it will have all the right things to succeed in the World. Your life changes, from that moment you’re not living for yourself anymore. Your diet changes, you buy a water filter, you take all the right vitamins, you mother that child in your womb the same as you would the rest of it’s life. I was it’s mommy and I can’t help but feel guilt because my body couldn’t protect the baby and carry it full term. The guilt ate me alive for the first few weeks. I went over everything wondering where I went wrong. There will never be answers to this because there’s no explanation other than for some reason my body and the baby’s body didn’t line up somehow.

I know we never got to hold our baby, to rock it to sleep, to hear it’s perfect baby laugh, to comfort it when it cried but all the same…we loved and lost.

Slowly things are returning to normal in our home. I no longer lay on the couch staring at the wall for hours on end. I can actually bring myself to leave the house and socialize with my friends. I still can’t talk about it much. I can say a few sentences and then I feel myself breaking down all over again so I change the subject. I keep hoping that one morning I’ll wake up and the ache will be gone but I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is always going to be a hurt in me. I’m always going to wonder what our baby would have looked like, what it’s first words would have been, what kind of sports and hobbies he/she would play. I’ll never know and that’s something my heart can’t grasp. How can you love a little being so much and never really get to spend time with it? It’s unfair that you love so deeply just to have that baby gone in an instant. Feels as though it’s a cruel joke and someone will pop up at any second and yell “JUST KIDDING” and our lives will continue on in the same joyous bliss we had when we were still expecting.

I know forgetting would be the easiest route, just act as though it never happened and continue on, but…I don’t have a heart that can do that. I never want to forget. We were creating a child that God gave to us and I refuse to act like that little life didn’t matter. Many couples, when experiencing a miscarriage, feel a need to hide it and because of that it becomes a matter of shame. I want others to know I carried a baby who we loved utterly and deeply. We had names, nurseries planned, dreams, and most of all we had LOVE for this baby. I would do absolutely anything to have that baby’s heart beating alongside my own again.

We’re doing alright though, we’re coping. Some days are harder than others but we’re healing. I still flinch whenever I see the due date on a calendar and  it will take some time for me to no longer look at pregnant ladies longingly and jealously. I was one of them, feeling the joy of pregnancy, and someday I will feel it again but for now…I’m taking it day by day. I’m blessed to have amazing friends and family who have held tightly to me keeping me from slipping down a hill of depression, which I was bordering on. I’ve been so grateful for my husband who is my safety net. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to walk through this with. I know God works through these tragedies of life and although we still struggle with “why” we find comfort in knowing that God has something wonderful in store for us.

Even when clouds are blocking the sun completely, God will send the rainbow!

2 married years.

24 Jun

This weekend we celebrated our 2 year marriage anniversary!

I usually stand back amazed at how quickly time has flown but this anniversary I really felt that we lived the time. In many ways the last year was one of the most difficult we’ve had, but through it we grew. Growing is so essential as we go throughout the daily grind, if we’re not growing we’re wasting. I can say that we aren’t the people we were a year ago. I get sad saying that because I know I lost a lot of my naive thinking about the world and how I thought that life always turned into a fairy tale. It’s cliche to say “fairy tale” but I think in the back of our minds we all still really hope that it exists. Our love is the only thing that boarders on that dream but life gets in the way of getting through that one amazingly difficult trial and then everything is perfect. Life isn’t that way, it’s a series of one trouble or difficulty after another. If you’re lucky you’re given just as many blessings to break up the difficulty.

We are extremely blessed!! We live in a house we love, an area we love, have amazing friends here already, and we have wonderful friends and family who have always supported us back home. Don’t think I’m saying that our life isn’t wonderful by saying it’s challenging! I enjoy the challenge! I love being able to say “I survived this,” “I overcame that!” I feel pride looking back on the last 365 days! Conquering the distance that separated us the majority of this last year gives us the knowledge we need to survive this Air Force lifestyle. It was hard having to learn this reality right out the gate but in all honestly I think it gave us a foot up  because we know what to expect and gave us future confidence in thinking “we got this!!”

God has been the center of our marriage or believe me…we would have failed long ago! He gives us the encouragement we need to love and cherish each other. He guides us in our decisions and leads us away from anything that could be detrimental. The older I get the more I realize that I’m absolutely helpless and effect-less without my God! I always thought the older you got the better you became at handling yourself but that’s not at all true. I think we finally become humble and realize it’s OK to say “I have no idea what I’m doing! I need help!” I hate asking for help and maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long for this realization to hit me.

I’m thankful for this past year, not because it was butterflies, rainbows, and romance but because we truly LIVED! We went out on a ledge and had faith that God would catch us if we only let go! He caught us and blessed us with everything we need! We are content and excited beyond words for the new set of blessings God has for us this coming year! We already know it’s going to be the biggest of our lives! We must continue to trust in our Lord and know that our needs will be met!

“Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.” -Psalm 36:5 

anniversary

Home and opportunities.

21 May

Wow, another month is behind us! I can’t believe how quickly time keeps flying by!

The day after we were completely settled into our new home I had to start packing my suitcase again to go home to Colorado! (Boy, do I hate suitcase living!) I was excited to come see everyone but it was extremely hard to think of leaving so soon after getting here. We hadn’t even settled into a routine and here I was flying away again. I’ve come to have a love/hate relationship with travel, I love it once I get there but I always hate the leaving where I’m at part.
The trip home was wonderful but it came and went in a blink! I had every day packed full of something to do and yet I STILL didn’t fit everything and everyone in. I was able to see my brother graduate with his chemistry degree from School of Mines, which was the whole reason for my trip home. I wouldn’t have missed this huge day in his life for the world! I am so proud of him! He’s so determined and has a brain so intricate that mine is jealous! My brain would have exploded on the first day of classes if I tried down that route! [haha]

The biggest downside to being an Air Force spouse, that I’ve had to come to terms with, is that you’re always going to be missing someone! If you’re not with your husband you miss him. When you move across the country you miss your family and friends. It’s hard realizing that your life will never feel the wholeness that you had when everyone lived in the same town. I miss that feeling.

I got home on Sunday and I’m still pooped from traveling and activities in Junction. It always takes me a few days to get all caught up on sleep and be myself again. It’s good to be back though. It’s amazing how quickly Florida has come to feel like home! I can’t wait to finally have our routine worked out and be completely at ease here, but for now I’m content with our situation.

God opened an amazing opportunity to reach out to other Air Force girlfriends, fiances, and wives this week! I interviewed online to be an administrator of a sister page to a high trafficked Facebook page (with nearly 8,000 likes!) The original page is for all the branches combined and I interviewed for the Air Force specific page. The interview included an application and three days full of random essay questions. Everyone I talk to about it says this seems a little extreme over a Facebook page but the ladies who make these pages want to make sure they’re putting quality people in these admin positions who know what they’re doing and talking about. We have to make sure that crucial information of troop movement and other safety issues stay on wraps. As the admins of the page we’re responsible of keeping anything that may violate these rules off the page. It may all sound silly to you but I’m really proud that I was chosen as one of the 3 to run this page! I have been praying for something to come along that would give me the chance to reach out and encourage ladies in my same position. The page in 3 days of being up and running has already received almost 200 likes so our audience that we’re reaching will continue to grow! God is good and placed this right in my lap! I want to be an encouragement and a guiding light to women who feel as lost as I did going into this lifestyle. As a military wife you’re in constant fear of the unknown and if I can help at least one person feel a little less fearful and lift their spirits just an inch I’ll do it! So this is where I’ll be pouring out my energy and time.

Once again I’m blown away by God’s faithfulness and the blessings He gives us!

david grad

Floridians [but never fully!]

30 Apr

Well, we made it!!

I sit back in awe of this entire month! The first few days we were living in our apartment in Colorado and  at the end we are completely settled into our Florida home! How can so much squeeze into 3o days?! All I know is that my body is still not in the correct time zone and I’m thoroughly confused by the fact white sand beaches are just minutes from our house. When we first arrived I kept seeing the white sand dunes and thinking they were snow. You know you’re a Colorado girl when….[haha.]

So far we love it here! We enjoy spending every weekend at the beach and we are in total love with our house! Having so much room and spare room for that matter is not something we are used to. The dogs are in heaven just being with us and having a yard! I’d say we’re all settling in quite nicely!

Scott has returned to work and starts taking classes again for his job next month. Poor guy, he’s had so much training and must be impatient to see his hard work turn into the actual job. Scott’s always positive about it though! I think he’s just soaking in the fact that he no longer has to live in the dorms or eat the dorm cafeteria food,  I can’t say my cooking will be much better though. [haha]

I’ve spent my days organizing and finding a place for everything we own! It amazed us to see how much stuff we’ve accumulated in just less than 2 years of marriage. It was no easy task to get it organized and lucky for us we have a pretty decent sized attic for all our camping gear and other odds and ends we couldn’t seem to part with.

One thing that makes us laugh about our neighborhood is the oddity that there are bears roaming the neighborhood at times! Our trash can fell victim to a bear attack before we moved in, the whole thing was crashed apart! I laughed at the absurdity of bears when a lady told us about them, she then told me she was serious! Uh, I thought we moved away from the woods?! I never thought Florida looked like this, but in our part we have more woody areas vs the palm trees. It’s strange but we like it because it makes us feel closer to the home we grew up in.

So far, so good! We’ll enjoy living here but we will always miss our Colorado!

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Good riddance…

1 Mar

My mom has said that sometimes God allows things to go wrong before a big change as a way of making you ready to move on from the current stage you’re standing in. I can say that’s precisely what has happened over the past month! Everything I was holding a tight grasp on, in my life here in Junction, suddenly became a burden, an annoyance, or a hurt. I have complete closure and excitement to be moving on past this place.

I of course will miss my friends and family but all the other things that had their ties on me have been cut. They no longer have the strength to hold me here or the capacity to entrap my mind. I feel free, free to move and start this new adventure and free to enjoy the new blessings of this life!

Three weeks from today Scott will be home and we will be getting everything in order for our move to Florida.

No looking back, only forward!

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Getting this ball rolling!

8 Feb

After months and months of waiting and wondering when this nightmare of separation would be ending, we can now look ahead and see the light waiting for us at the end of the tunnel! Scott starts his final phase of training this month on the 15th! We were worried after finishing his Intel training that he would be at a stand still waiting for a SERE (survival training) date, but once again God surprises us and reminds us that He’s always looking out!

We have much to do over the next couple months with Scott finishing his training in  the middle of next month, going to Florida for a 3 day training, then coming home to do the Recruiters Assistant Program and move me with him to our first Air Force base! It’s going to be a little frantic but we are looking forward to the wonderful reward of being together again!

Dates are being scheduled for the movers to come! I can’t believe after all the lonely nights of waiting that we are finally here! Well, almost. At least now we can start setting it all in stone! As each new thing gets scheduled reality sets further in. I can now allow my hopes to build up and my excitement to bubble over! I’ve been shoving them down for so long, as to not be disappointed, and now there’s nothing to dampen my mood!

We’ll be together soon!!!!!!!

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.”      -Romans 5:3-4

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Florida here we come!

7 Jan

We recently found out that we will be stationed at Hurlburt Field AFB in Pensacola Florida! We couldn’t be happier! We were told that it would be nearly impossible to get your #1 pick on your first dream sheet but Scott did! God blesses us!!!

Scott’s sister lives near Tampa Florida and we’re thrilled to be so close to Karen and her hubby Matt! Even though it’s a 6 hour drive at least it’s doable on long weekends and for Holidays! Family is very important to Scott and I, and being close to them makes moving to a foreign place much easier.

karen and matt

On top of being close to family we also have a handful of friends being stationed at the same base.:

Scott’s friend he’s been with all the way through tech school will be joining us on our move. I’m so thankful for Chris and the friendship he has given Scott over the last few months we’ve been apart. He’s been such an encouragement to Scotty and it’s given me peace knowing Scott isn’t lonely.

chris

I have become wonderful friends with an Air Force wife whose husband was in Scott’s Basic Training Flight. Francesca and I have talked ever since 2 weeks into basic training and there hasn’t been a day that has gone by without us talking.  Who would have guessed that after 7 months of texting and calling that we would be getting stationed at the exact same base in Florida! It’s amazing how God looks out for our needs and emotions!

francesca

I also have a friend I went to youth group with who’s getting stationed with her husband at Eglin AFB which is 12 miles from us! AMAZING! What are the chances?! I have so much fun with Tifanie and we can’t wait for many many beach dates!

tifanie

I can’t believe how wonderful our Lord is to give us all these instant friends at our new home! There is always a divine plan and this is proof of it! We’re ready for some beach time and to switch up our daily routine. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us in this coming year! We still don’t have a date for our move but it will be anytime between the middle of February to the end of April. We can finally see the end in sight! Be praying that our patience will stay strong! ;]

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