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Murmur.

31 Aug

Last week Haven had her 2 month check-up. She’s doing awesome but while listening to her heart the doctor found a slight murmur. Dr. Byan wasn’t worried but he put in a referral to a cardio specialist in Pensacola anyway. He wanted her to have an ultrasound performed and assured us that he was only being thorough.

Yesterday we went to the appointment where the tech found a small hole between her left and right ventricle. The size and location of the hole is not worrisome and they believe it will close up on it’s own. We’ll go back in a few months to follow up and make sure it closes but they’re not concerned.

I also have a slight murmur, which has never caused me any trouble, so I wasn’t too worried but heart stuff frazzles me ever since my dad’s passing. I’m extremely grateful to know she’ll be alright. Thank you, Jesus!

Our darling daughter found the ultrasound relaxing and quickly fell asleep. She looked so peaceful that I had to capture that moment of our sweet girl sleeping while her mommy was the opposite of “at peace.” Something about that moment calmed me.

As my friend Kim reminded me, this baby is our haven and she will continue to live up to her name.

Haven’s birth story.

27 Jun

**If you don’t want to hear ALL about a baby being born please stop reading.**061417_1Wednesday the 7th I was two days past my due date and boy was I done being pregnant! I woke up determined to get this baby girl out! I walked 8 laps around the neighborhood, I did squats, and every other activity that has worked to bring on labor for others. I started having mild contractions but nothing too severe so I laid down for a nap, because I had exhausted myself. I was prepared to repeat everything again after my nap. When I woke up though the contractions were still there and the pattern was what it needed to be, but they were no where near painful. Our hospital was set to go on “divert” at midnight for two days, so we would have to go to another hospital if she came during that time. We decided to load up and just see if they would let us stay to deliver. IMG_0289When we got to the hospital, at 8 pm, I was only at a solid 3 dilated and 65% effaced. The doctor on duty was the one who was scheduled to do my induction that coming Monday, so I think she was eager to help us stay because of that. She said she could strip my membranes and send us walking for 2 hours to see where that got us. We were willing to try it if she was. The stripping alone progressed me to a 4 and 75% effaced. So we set off on our long walk! IMG_0344I was really glad that I hadn’t done a second set of laps around the neighborhood because my legs were killing me by the end of our two hour walk and I’m pretty sure I’m now an expert of the hospital hallway layout. I could probably walk the halls with a blindfold and never run into a single wall. About 30 minutes into our walk the contractions really started picking up and by the end I could barely walk through them because they were so painful. I knew at that point that Baby Girl was on the way!
Side note: As I was pushing myself to walk through strong contractions poor Scott had to stop for a leg cramp. I was really worried that he would need an epidural but luckily he was able to breathe through the pain. ;]IMG_0476Once we got back up to labor and delivery they had all of my paperwork filled out and a room was ready for us. I guess they had already decided to keep us. Thank goodness because there was no way I was going home with how painful the contractions were at that point. The doctor checked me again and I was at a 6. She said her plan was to break my water and then maybe start pitocin as well. She recommended an epidural, because the combination would become very painful, so of course I took her recommendation. IMG_0315The anesthesiologist gave me the epidural and while we were waiting for them to come back in to break my water we decided to take a “before baby” selfie. Right as we snapped the picture I told Scott “I think my water just broke…but let’s take one more picture.” I’ll never be able to look at those pictures and not laugh. The doctor came in and checked me again and of course I was right. She said that she would be back in 4 hours to check on us. We planned to sleep a bit to rest up. We guessed that we wouldn’t have a baby until around 6 or 7 that morning. (HA!) While they were rolling me to change my sheets my epidural shifted and I started feeling all of the pain on my right side. Feeling labor pain on only one side of your body is completely disconcerting. I would rather have felt it on both sides at that point. (Of course this happened during the transition phase. OWWY!) My nurse called the anesthesiologist back in and tried to get it to work the way it was positioned, but nothing helped so they needed to redo it. They laid me flat on my side and gave me a whole new one. That immediately delivered relief.IMG_0366My bed was then elevated back up and suddenly Haven’s heart rate dropped into the low 70’s. Panic set in as the whole team rushed into our room, my nurse put an oxygen mask on me, and they started flipping me one side to the other trying to get her heart rate back up. Nothing was helping and time seemed to be ticking steadily along. I had been able to hear her heart beating on the monitor the whole time we were there but as I tried listening now it was almost completely silent. I looked at Scott with terrified eyes as I worried we were losing our girl. He whispered “It’s going to be alright, Lyssa” but I didn’t believe him. I asked him afterwards about it and he said he was just as terrified but knew he couldn’t express that and risk me getting more upset which would have made the situation worse. They started asking each other to “grab the doctor” or “where is the doctor” and lastly “I can’t find her.” This mama has never been so scared. Finally she came running in and said she wanted to check me real quick before we would move to a c-section. I was complete (10) and it was time to begin pushing! Apparently what happened was while I was on my side laid flat I progressed from a 6-10 so when they elevated me back up Haven shot down into position and that shocked her because it wasn’t a slow progression down. Poor thing. Luckily her heart rate evened out before pushing began.IMG_0563Two minutes after she checked me I started pushing. I told the doctor, when we arrived, that she would need to give me an episiotomy but she assured me that wouldn’t be necessary. I knew better though. After 4 contractions and less than 10 minutes of pushing Haven was ready to make her entrance. The doctor kind of laughed, after many efforts to avoid an episiotomy, as she said “you were right” she then gave me a tiny episiotomy and Haven was born at 2:02 am on June 8th!IMG_0423When Haven came out she had the cord wrapped around her neck two times and was bright purple. The doctor quickly removed the cord and immediately placed her on my chest. I was a little worried about her coloring but knew they would have rushed her off if they were really that concerned about it. Her color returned to normal after a few minutes of them messing with her on my chest. Phew!IMG_0329Our sweet girl weighed in at 8 pounds 1.3 ounces and was 20 inches long! I’m still in shock that I carried an 8 pound baby! She is perfect in every way. The first thing I noticed was that she had my lips which I had prayed for! Everyone says she looks just like me and I LOVE hearing that. Scott’s first words about her were “ALYSSA she has hair!!” (no one in either family ever does) and as she was delivered: “She’s so beautiful, Lyssa!” He is one smitten Daddy. Really, we all are!IMG_0527Haven is such a mellow baby. We’ve only ever heard her cry a handful of times. The rest of the time she just grunts or lays there peacefully. She’s just so beautiful that we can’t stop staring at her. I was so worried that my heart couldn’t hold all this extra love but the second I saw her my heart was overflowing with love for this sweet child. I can’t even begin to imagine life without her and she’s only been with us for 2 weeks.

Royal is OBSESSED with her! I thought he would resent her for coming but all he has for her is love. He is constantly snuggling her and giving her kisses. He always says “Haven, you bess friend!” (Haven, you’re my best friend.) and “I yuv you, Baby Haven!” I completely melt as I watch their bond as siblings forming. We’re just trying to teach him not to give her kisses while she’s trying to sleep. (Haha.)IMG_0306After two years of trials and heartache, Haven couldn’t have come at a better time to us. She came to remind us that good does come around again and that God is faithful even when we feel as though things will never get better. Her name means: a place of safety or refuge. Before we found out we were pregnant I stumbled upon Psalm 107:28-30. (Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and He guided them to their desired haven.) These verses gave me great encouragement as I hoped our safe haven would be around the corner. A week later we found out we were expecting and when we were told we were having a girl the name Haven soared to the top of our list. It just seemed to fit her so perfectly! She’s already living up to her name. She has healed our heartache and given us a place of  joy to rest in. I’m just so thankful that God chose her for us! IMG_0516
Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes, and please continue to pray for us to have guidance as we raise this darling girl!

-Name Meaning-
Haven: a place of safety or refuge
Marie: wished for child (also my middle name)

Welcome Haven Marie, you are so very loved!
IMG_0390
“He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and He guided them to their desired haven.”
-Psalm 107:29-30 

•Photos by Olive Gray Photography•

Slow down.

29 Mar

I’ve always counted myself a strong woman. I can pretty much handle anything life throws at me and still stay standing. It’s mostly because I can plan my way through it. As long as I prepare I feel ready for it. My Type A personality tells me that as long as I stay busy and organized it’s going to all work out.

The problem with a Type A personality mixing with pregnancy is that you lose pretty much all of your organizational skills and brain sharpness to preggo brain. It’s really really really extremely frustrating when you’re waiting for your brain to engage and it never seems to catch up to the speed you’re used to functioning at. Then you end up working twice as hard to complete tasks that used to only take you a matter of minutes. You add that to the waddling that slows you down, doubling your daily load because of deployment, a two year old who you for some reason decided to toilet train a week after your husband left, running a business, missing and worrying for your husband while he’s deployed, preparing for a new baby, stressing if the Air Force will let your hubby come home early so he doesn’t miss the baby’s birth, being far from family, and tons of appointments, and I’ve gone almost completely mad!!! Seems like as soon as I start one project 6 more appear and I get interrupted 26 times in the process which then takes me a solid 10 minutes to remember where I left off. The proficiency is gone. I miss my brain. (haha)

During a deployment you need to be at your best and sadly I feel like I’m at my worst. I’ve found myself overwhelmed from the second I wake up to the minute my head finally rests on my pillow at night. I’ve been forcing myself to have even a few moments a day to just rest. It’s certainly taking a toll on my body and as I am now in my 30th week of pregnancy I have to remind myself that it’s okay to slow down a little. It feels like actual torture to sit when I have lists upon lists adding up in my mind. I’m telling myself that it’s alright if some things slip a little, no one else is going to notice but me. But…we’re always our own toughest critics.

The thing that has broken my heart the most this round is just how badly Royal has missed his daddy. He will wake up crying and when I ask him what’s wrong he says “I cry Dada. I miss Daddy.” I don’t know how to comfort his hurting heart and it’s impossible to explain the reasoning to a two year old.  He’s been dealing with separation anxiety too which rips my heart in half. I’ll hear him talking in his bed at night saying “Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me” and if I go in the garage he’ll come running full speed from the other side of the house yelling “Mama!! Don’t leave me!!” I can’t even stand it. All I can do it hold him close and reassure him that I’m not going anywhere. I tell him that Dada will be home soon and I remind him of all the ways his Daddy loves him. I hate all of that the most. I wish I could just take away all the pain from his little tiny self.

I’m also working on being better at asking for help from others, and I’ll admit this is humbling for me. I HATE asking because I actually enjoy handling things on my own, but I know those around me want to help and I need to let them. Being a burden to others is my biggest fear, so I’m truly striving to be okay with it. I’ve found that people love you through their actions and I shouldn’t rob people of that by always saying no to their offers.

Hands down this has been the most difficult of all the deployments but every situation is temporary and soon it will end. Until then I need to sit when my body says sit and rest when my mind needs rest. The goal is to keep this little girl in as long as possible, to up the chances of Scott being home for her arrival, and for that to happen I need to take it a bit easier. Another goal of mine is to soak in as much time with Royal as I can before he’s no longer my only baby. It’s bittersweet so I want to make the most of these next 10 weeks with him. Both goals involve me slowing down to breathe and ignoring the 102 lists that are constantly building up around me. As long as we’re fed and healthy the rest can wait.

“My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
-Psalm 73:26

Goodbye, 27.

30 Jan

Earlier this month I had my last day as a 27 year old. I spent that final day reflecting on the past year of my life. It wasn’t really a happy remembrance.

On the day I turned 27 I deactivated my Facebook account, because I didn’t want any birthday wishes. I just couldn’t handle the idea of everyone celebrating my birthday so close to my Dad’s passing. I knew it would be a hard year, and not one of those days would my Dad be a part of. It was just too much. I decided to pretend that it was just a regular day and continue on.

The rest of the year went pretty much as I had imagined. So many tears. So much time spent staring into space. A lot of denial went into this year. I spent more time, than I ever have, learning about myself. What exactly makes me tick? What sets me off in a positive or negative way? I didn’t necessarily always like the person I was learning about. I found my flaws more frequently than I found my beauty. I would then be surprised to find strength in an area I felt I was weak. It was shocking to realize I wasn’t who I thought I was anymore. I had changed.

Once I had a grasp of who I was, I finally felt ready to start the growth. I can say this year really grew me up. I had to face some difficult things and I had to push through until I had overcome them. I feel stronger now and better. I feel closer to whole.

Not all of this year was hard. Not all of 27 was sad. I made some wonderful memories with people who mean so much to me. I started a new business. We tried boating for the first time and it became our new obsession. I spent my time really soaking in the everyday moments with my son. We found out we will be expecting a new baby, and new life brings joy like nothing else can. I guess that right there sums up my year. Where there is death there is opportunity for new life to come forth. My life seems to always follow the theme of “beauty from ashes” and this year was no exception.

Goodbye to the year of ashes. Hello 28-a year of beauty and new life!

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

Baby #2.

30 Nov

I’m still in disbelief that God has blessed us with another baby on the way! What a perfectly timed blessing in our lives. God knew we needed something new and shiny to bring us joy during this difficult year of grieving.

When something so tragic and unexpected happens you feel as though happy things will never be able to happen again. You’re sure nothing will ever make your heart leap for joy and that you’re destined to always live in a state of gloom. God thankfully proves us wrong. He heals our hearts and then sends His blessings down, as a reminder that He is a God of goodness and faithfulness. I for one desperately needed this reminder.

I still have had a hard time completely accepting the joy of this baby. You almost doubt that something will even turn out right after a hard year. It wasn’t until I hit the 12th week of this pregnancy that I allowed myself to be happy. I was just so scared that we might lose the baby and have yet another set of grief to deal with. I think too that once you’ve had one miscarriage it takes away your ability to convince yourself that “it won’t happen to me” and you worry that it will again. I still worry a bit, but it’s more in the back of my mind and I’m praying for God to quiet my anxious heart. I just love and want this baby so badly and it terrified me to think of losing it.

I’m so very thankful for this sweet blessing and I can’t wait to see what our new life as a family of 4 looks like. Royal is so excited for the new addition. Royal’s constantly asking if he can “cuddle the baby” and he crawls up and lays on my stomach. It melts my heart. It’s funny to me that he can have an understanding of what’s happening even when we haven’t spent much time explaining it to him. It’s going to turn his little life upside down, but I truly believe he’s going to be a wonderful big brother and so very helpful with the new baby.

I wish more than anything that my Dad was here to share in this happiness with us because I know he’d be crying tears of joy and be cheering us on every step of the way, but I know that he’s celebrating in Heaven and he’s probably dancing a happy dance for his new grand-baby.

From tragedy comes triumph. From death comes new life.
We are blessed.

“To console those who mourn,
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
-Isaiah 61:3a

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PRK.

31 May

Last week we traveled to Biloxi Mississippi for Scott to have PRK (corrective eye surgery.) He chose to have it done at Keesler AFB because it was only 2.5 hours from our home, and they are the best military base that offers the surgery. The drive was easy so we took off early Monday morning so that he could make it to his 9 am appointment. He received his final approval so we checked into the Fisher House, which is a by donation charity that offers a place for military to stay while their family member receives medical treatment. It was such a blessing to stay at such a comfortable place while we were away from home. They had volunteers come in, most nights, and cook meals for us too. I didn’t realize that places like this existed but everyone there was so sweet to us and it made a world of difference with our almost two year old running a muck.

royalwalking

Royal still wasn’t a huge fan of being cooped up all day so we spent the days going to the park, playing at the splash pad on base, and we even took him bowling for his first time. It was hard at nights sharing one room though, and Scott and I had to go to sleep when Royal did otherwise he’d stay up with us. He’s so active and observant that he wants to always be doing what we’re doing, so the one room arrangement was a little more than trying at times.

Scott had the surgery on Wednesday and within 30 minutes he was all done and I was able to pick him up. He built it up much scarier in his head than it actually ended up being. He couldn’t believe how easy it was. Everything went great! He had to have a follow up appointment the next morning but Scott asked, because of the 4 day weekend approaching, if we could travel home as we only lived 2.5 hours away. The doctor said that was absolutely fine as long as his eyes looked like they were progressing well the next morning. Luckily his first follow-up went great!! He was seeing 20/15 which were the best results the doctor had seen all day. Scott was excited about his eyes and Royal and I were excited to be going home!

 

The first few days of recovery were almost pain free for Scott but Saturday and Sunday he woke up in some pretty intense pain and had to turn to his pain meds. The meds easily managed the pain and Scott still continues to rave about how worth it this surgery is to him. We traveled back to Mississippi last night because Scott had his final appointment this morning. His left eye continues to see 20/15 and his right is pretty blurry but should clear up in the next day or so. The doc cleared him to go back to work and, best of all, to drive again. We’re so thankful that the surgery went flawlessly and that Scott was able to mostly recover here at home instead of us staying over a week in a hotel.


Life continues to be so busy but it keeps my mind occupied and my heart looking forward. It seems like I have more good days than bad these days, and that feels like a miracle!

 

 

 

 

 

Sick boy.

28 Apr

Man, I don’t think there is anything more heartbreaking than having a sick baby. Royal has had his fair share of colds in his little lifetime but he’s never had such a bad fever. He woke up Tuesday morning with a 100 degree fever and it has only gone up from there. He hit a high of 103.3 during Tuesday night. Poor fellow. FullSizeRenderMy son is not one to enjoy cuddling but the past three days it’s all he’s wanted. I’ve always wished that he would cuddle me more, but now I’d be more than happy to trade the cuddles for my little boy to be full of energy and wiggles again. We’ve been spending the sick days lounging on the couch watching Winnie the Pooh, and Royal will doze off as he gets tired. He won’t let you out of his sight and he wants to be carried everywhere, so we’re all pretty much prisoners to this sickness. It’s just so sad to see how subdued Royal is in comparison to his usual independent personality.FullSizeRender (1)I wish there was some way to fix him more quickly. I hate not having the ability to take it from him. I know he’ll be better soon but I’m impatient. I can’t wait for this sickness to get the heck out of my Royal so that he can go back to being the force that destroys the house again. I miss my little tornado!

 

Royal’s birth story.

18 Aug

**If you don’t want to hear ALL about a baby being born please stop reading.**

IMG_7401copyI woke up at 5 am to my water breaking on July 31st, 2014. I didn’t want to alarm Scott as he was sound asleep but he started to stir, looked at his phone, and realized he had overslept for his early morning shift. He of course startled awake and about jumped out of bed but I told him to hold tight for a second because I was pretty sure my water just broke. I felt another gush and that confirmed it. It was such a God thing that he overslept as he would have already been at work and I would have had to call and wait for him to get home.

I then called labor and delivery and they told me to take my time coming in. The nurse told me to enjoy a shower and to get a good breakfast in because they wouldn’t let me eat once I got there. I felt completely normal at that point but at 6:30 my contractions kicked it into high gear and I told Scott and my parents it was time to get moving.

IMG_7309copyI was shocked at how painful my contractions were. I became speechless, as I usually do with intense pain, but as the pain intensified I started almost screaming. I’ve never known a pain like that before. They told me that Royal was positioned against my spine and that’s why it was THAT bad. Back labor is no joke, you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy. Ouch.

I continued in that same pain for a few hours but each time they checked I was still only dilated to a 2. The staff then strongly recommended that I get an epidural because my body was so tensed up from my pain that it put my dilating at a standstill. They thought that if I had an epidural it would relax me enough so my body could do what it needed to do. They were right. The minute I got the epidural I felt like a whole new woman. I was completely relieved of my pain. Phew. It was such a nice break. I had control of how much of the medicine I was getting, so I was able to keep feeling in my legs which was important to me as I wanted to be able to push fully when the time came. I would strongly recommend an epidural if you get to the place I was at with pain. There is no way I could have continued that way for over 12 hours.

IMG_7377copyA half hour after I got the epidural they checked me again and I had progressed to a 4. They then decided that they wanted to speed up the process and gave me pitocin in my IV drip. My parents had just gone down to the cafeteria when my midwife and nurse came running into the room and started flipping me onto my left side. They were really quiet but they had concern written  all over their faces. I couldn’t figure out what was going on until they then tried flipping me onto my right and I could see the Baby’s heart rate monitor. Royal had been staying between 140-150 bpm during my pregnancy and labor but when I now looked he was at 70 bpm! I started to panic. They then gave me oxygen and kept moving me trying to give Royal some relief. My midwife asked another nurse to get the doctor and it became apparent to me that I was about to get a cesarean section. FINALLY his heart rate started coming back up after they had me about on my head and rolled completely onto my left side. PRAISE GOD! I have never been more terrified in my entire life. I am so thankful that the staff was fast acting and were able to help my boy and also save me from a c-section.

IMG_7381copyApparently Royal had a negative reaction to the pitocin and that’s what caused the severe drop in his heart rate. After the pitocin was stopped my body took over and within an hour and a half I went from a 4 to a 10 and they told me it was time to push! AH! I couldn’t believe how quickly it went and I honestly didn’t feel mentally ready to start pushing. My nurse cleared the room of everyone but my mom and Scott, and began preparation for delivery. My epidural chose this moment to stop working. Yay! *rolls eyes* Natural childbirth time!

I started pushing at around 3:30 and was making really great progress until Baby’s head didn’t want to come the last part of the way. Once it was clear he wasn’t going to budge they attached the vacuum to his head and when my next contraction came I pushed and my midwife pulled….nothing. He wouldn’t come. I took my deep breathe and pushed again…the vacuum then snapped off his head. It was then decided that I would be getting an episiotomy. I was nervous about it, but at this point in labor, I was ready to be done and would have done just about anything to get my boy here! With that…he arrived!

IMG_7320copyRoyal Matthew was born at 4:53 pm and was immediately placed on my chest. My mom later told me that my face went from a look of pain and exhaustion to one of complete love and joy at my first sight of him. I’ve been made a believer of  “love at first sight.” I looked over at Scott and I could see how in love he was with our baby and was touched as his tears flowed freely down his cheeks. The proud daddy did the honors of cutting the umbilical cord and with that we were separate.

I was in awe at Royal’s beauty and also at how big he was! All the doctors had been telling me what a tiny baby I would be getting, and here I was holding a 7lb 6oz 20inch boy! I couldn’t believe that all of him fit in my belly! All that mattered to me was that he was finally here and he was healthy!! On the APGAR test he scored an 8 at one minute and a 9 at 5 minutes. The tech told us that she never gives a 10 so he was as healthy as it gets. God is so good!

IMG_7344copyScott then got to hold Royal for the first time and once again his tears came. I have never been more attracted to my husband as I was in those moments. Seeing your tiny baby placed in the arms of the man you love is about as good as it gets. I can still sit for hours watching Scott interact with our son, it’s just so precious and sweet to me.

IMG_7328copyI finally have my family. It’s been such a long long road to get here but every step was necessary to get right where we are. I am so thankful for a God that made my every wish and dream come true with one tiny little boy’s entrance into the world! He’s my rainbow after the storm and my everything! There is not one thing I wouldn’t do for this little man and I’m absolutely alright with the fact that my world now entirely revolves around him and his care. I am taken with him. Everything about Royal turns me into mush! I can’t get enough of him! When I set him down to do the dishes or something else I immediately miss him. This is a foreign love I’ve never known before but it somehow feels completely natural to me. I.am.in.love.

IMG_7318copyThank you everyone for your continued prayer and support, and please keep it coming as we now raise this sweet boy!

–Name meaning–
Royal: child of the King
Matthew: God’s gift

Welcome Royal Matthew, you are so very loved!

IMG_7370copy“For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart”
-1 Samuel 1:27

•Photos by Olive Gray Photography•

Vacations.

25 Apr

Vacations are a wonderful thing designed to help relax and unwind you by breaking from your usual daily grind. You picture yourself coming home completely at ease, as if hundreds of pounds of bricks have been lifted off your very tired shoulders. Why is it then that when you do head back home you actually feel a billion times more pooped than when you started out for your adventure? You seem to need a vacation from your vacation at this point!

Vacations have become a real treat for us because Scott is always working and the Air Force doesn’t hand out leave like candy, so we were extremely excited to be getting away for 5  uninterrupted days this past weekend! We packed up our car with way more things than necessary for a 5 day trip (gotta be prepared,) loaded our two doggies, made a coffee/donut stop, and we were on our way! Now, the way I’m about to describe this drive will come across as overly dramatic and a little bit exaggerated, I assure you it is not. The drive to Scott’s sister’s house looks as if it will be a breeze, simple directions and a 6 hour estimated arrival time, you know…easy! WRONG! Somehow this drive not only lasts an extra 3 hours but it feels more like 10 extra. I don’t know what it is but in the 2 times we’ve driven this path it actually seems to only be getting worse! It’s torture!! Anytime you take a detour to use the restroom or get something to eat it punishes you by tacking on another 40 minutes to an hour! You can literally run in, grab one thing you need, be back in the car within two minutes, and STILL it says you just won the prize of being set back 46 minutes!! It’s madness! Then take into account the fact that I now have a growing child inside me kicking my ribs at every turn of the road, making for an even more enjoyable travel day! (haha)

We finally got into Redington Shores 9 hours from our departure time and were met with a surprise baby shower from Scott’s family! I don’t think there could be a better reward following that drive! Family always knows just what you need! We were so blessed by all the gifts and pumped up at the thought of our little guy coming to join such a loving-doting family. I am thankful that both Scott and I were born into amazing families that make bringing a child into the world all the more joyous. I can’t even wait for him to meet them!
baby shower from Karen 005The rest of our Vacation flew by! We packed it to the brim with activities! We went to a Rays baseball game, ate lots of yummy food, went site seeing, walked the doggies, saw a movie, ate pastries and drank greek coffee, sat by the pool, Scott went deep sea fishing with his dad, shopped a bit, the guys tried to trap crabs, and before we knew it…time was up!  It’s not fair how much more quickly Vacation time flies in comparison to regular time. For weeks and weeks we counted down to this time away and in a flash it was over.

photo 1photo 410156071_4138828444716_7004753561307066812_nmatt and scottphoto 2photo 51939781_4138830484767_8187251156571168996_n

Monday morning we packed our car once again, now almost to exploding with all our new baby gifts, and set out on the road. It’s always wonderful to see family but it never seems like it’s long enough! We had to just be thankful that we were able to come at all and revel in all of the new memories we made.

Monday also marked 100 days until Baby’s due date! I can’t believe how far into this pregnancy we are now! Being in the double digits makes me all the more impatient to snuggle my boy!! It doesn’t make sense to say but I miss him. I don’t know how you can miss and love someone you’ve never even met but I do. I can’t wait to lay eyes on him for the first time. Until then I’ll just have to soak in the wonders of pregnancy and the joy of feeling him wiggle and kick as he grows inside me.

So…back to Vacation exhaustion! (I get so sidetracked whenever I think of Baby. Whoops!): After another long drive home, that we somehow kept under 8 hours, we unpacked the car and dragged our tired bodies into bed. The next morning we did not awaken refreshed but completely drained! Scott then proceeded to work an 18 hour workday because of a scheduling fluke. I don’t know how he survived it, I really don’t. My body felt the toll of all the excitement of the weekend as I started limping around the house, not a preggo waddle for the record, and now I have the flu because I apparently also knocked my immune system down.

So, can someone tell me when I’m going to feel relaxed and rejuvenated from this vacation we just had?! I’m waiting!!

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Beautiful things.

15 Nov

When I come into a hard time in my life there is always a quote, verse, or song that stands out to me and then suddenly it becomes my mantra. I think it’s important to hold onto something solid and true when the world around you is spinning out of control. You need a constant thing that stays the same to encourage you when breaking seems like the next step.

In this season of my life the song above, “Beautiful Things” by Gungor, has been that said mantra. It has spoken into my life that God is making something beautiful out of all this. I need that reminder especially when everything around us seems dirty, ugly, and broken. Knowing that God is working something beautiful from these ashes of our life makes my heart joyful.

When I heard this song for the first time at church months ago it was only a week after the miscarriage. I was absolutely 100% at my lowest. I was so angry! Angry at God for letting this happen to us and angry that I had to stay living in a world where such heartbreak resides. I couldn’t find my place and I honestly didn’t care to know where that place even was, I was content to just float. In the midst of my anger, standing with everyone during the worship service, this song was played and immediately tears came running down my face. The words spoke the truth I needed to hear. My hands flew up and I wept to God silently, letting the emotions and words my heart couldn’t speak out of my body and lifting them high to my Heavenly Father!

Every Sunday I would walk into church still just angry as the week before but God continued to put this song in the worship lineup until finally my silly self realized He was trying to comfort me and I was the one shutting Him out. After the service I downloaded the song off of iTunes and I began playing it whenever a hint of doubt in my loving Savior would arise. Whenever my heart would ache for the baby I would never hold, I played it. When I couldn’t get myself to face the day I would put it on repeat until my feet would touch the bedroom floor. God is wonderful and He used this as the gateway to encourage me, knowing that music is one of the most powerful influences on my life. God loved me enough to find the perfect instrument! He came to me and didn’t wait for me to come back around to Him. I think that is just too cool! What an amazing God we serve!

It has now been a little over 4 months since the terrible day that will forever be etched on my heart but God has carried me through. I had a tearful breakdown again last night, mourning our baby who will never be, and I don’t think I’ve cried the last of my tears over it but that’s OK! I can now see hope springing up from this old ground and the beautiful things coming from dust! Boy, it feels good to be standing here in the exact place God brought us to.

I’m so hopeful of what is to come, and even though we’re not completely whole again, God is continually clearing the way for all the beauty our lives are to hold! This song no longer fills my eyes with broken and beaten tears, but with tears of joy I’m able to smile and know that God is making me new!!

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