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Coping.

23 Jul

I have struggled with the thought of actually writing this out. Writing puts a kind of finality on an event. It’s black and white, if it’s written…it’s documented. I have always found comfort in putting down my thoughts and feelings, so for therapeutic reasons I’ll write.

This month has held the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever felt. I pray no one has to go through the hurt and pain that comes with a miscarriage. One of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that people don’t recognize your loss as a true one. They tell you “It’s OK, you can try again,” “At least now you know you can get pregnant,” “You’ll be OK because in a few months you can try again.” What people don’t realize is that all you want is THAT baby. I know everyone means well and is trying to be encouraging but when they tell us to “just try again,’  it’s as if they’re telling us that we shouldn’t be grieving the tiny life my body once held.

The minute you find out you’re going to be a parent you love that baby instantly. I’ve never felt such an intense love as I did when I found out. You make plans for this child, you dream of all the potential, you pray every second of everyday that the baby is growing strong and that it will have all the right things to succeed in the World. Your life changes, from that moment you’re not living for yourself anymore. Your diet changes, you buy a water filter, you take all the right vitamins, you mother that child in your womb the same as you would the rest of it’s life. I was it’s mommy and I can’t help but feel guilt because my body couldn’t protect the baby and carry it full term. The guilt ate me alive for the first few weeks. I went over everything wondering where I went wrong. There will never be answers to this because there’s no explanation other than for some reason my body and the baby’s body didn’t line up somehow.

I know we never got to hold our baby, to rock it to sleep, to hear it’s perfect baby laugh, to comfort it when it cried but all the same…we loved and lost.

Slowly things are returning to normal in our home. I no longer lay on the couch staring at the wall for hours on end. I can actually bring myself to leave the house and socialize with my friends. I still can’t talk about it much. I can say a few sentences and then I feel myself breaking down all over again so I change the subject. I keep hoping that one morning I’ll wake up and the ache will be gone but I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is always going to be a hurt in me. I’m always going to wonder what our baby would have looked like, what it’s first words would have been, what kind of sports and hobbies he/she would play. I’ll never know and that’s something my heart can’t grasp. How can you love a little being so much and never really get to spend time with it? It’s unfair that you love so deeply just to have that baby gone in an instant. Feels as though it’s a cruel joke and someone will pop up at any second and yell “JUST KIDDING” and our lives will continue on in the same joyous bliss we had when we were still expecting.

I know forgetting would be the easiest route, just act as though it never happened and continue on, but…I don’t have a heart that can do that. I never want to forget. We were creating a child that God gave to us and I refuse to act like that little life didn’t matter. Many couples, when experiencing a miscarriage, feel a need to hide it and because of that it becomes a matter of shame. I want others to know I carried a baby who we loved utterly and deeply. We had names, nurseries planned, dreams, and most of all we had LOVE for this baby. I would do absolutely anything to have that baby’s heart beating alongside my own again.

We’re doing alright though, we’re coping. Some days are harder than others but we’re healing. I still flinch whenever I see the due date on a calendar and  it will take some time for me to no longer look at pregnant ladies longingly and jealously. I was one of them, feeling the joy of pregnancy, and someday I will feel it again but for now…I’m taking it day by day. I’m blessed to have amazing friends and family who have held tightly to me keeping me from slipping down a hill of depression, which I was bordering on. I’ve been so grateful for my husband who is my safety net. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to walk through this with. I know God works through these tragedies of life and although we still struggle with “why” we find comfort in knowing that God has something wonderful in store for us.

Even when clouds are blocking the sun completely, God will send the rainbow!

Mouth aches, throat aches, and scares.

30 Apr

 Jeeze, I can’t believe all the stupid health things I’ve fit in this month.

 It started out with what was supposed to be a simple gum graft procedure. The actual procedure went well but the healing was miserable. I still haven’t decided if it was a rough recovery or if the medical staff just didn’t prepare me for what was in-store. They told me that with the surgery being on a Thursday afternoon I would be completely in the clear and ready for work on Tuesday. WRONG! I was still experiencing horrible pain and constant bleeding. When I returned to the doctor that Monday to make sure things were normal they then told me that it was completely normal to be in that much pain and that I probably would need to be out of work till Friday. A full week out of work, not good news.

Now for the scare portion of this blog: When the doctor was doing the procedure he found a dark spot on the roof of my mouth and suspected it as the “c” word, cancer. You certainly never like hearing that word especially when you already hate the dentist chair and the anxiety pills haven’t yet kicked in. I asked him how certain he was and he said he was very concerned about it and he would like to have a better look when I came back for my follow up appointment. He was pretty sure we would need to remove it and have it tested. Scary. So on top of the horrible recovery the next week gave me I had the dark cloud of worry hanging above my head. I just wanted to know and I wasn’t alone in my worry. My husband, parents, and in-laws, all were concerned and wondered why the Doctor didn’t remove it right then and there. That would have made too much sense though right?! I was so blessed by all the prayer I got from everyone around me and that gave me a sense of peace.

Finally my follow up appointment came and Scott insisted on coming with me. I am blessed with a very caring and considerate husband. He gives me such comfort just by being near. When the doctor checked me out he didn’t even mention the spot. I was a little confused so I asked him if he looked at the spot. He was like “Oh, yeah let me see.” He took about 10 seconds to say, “Doesn’t look like it has grown. Probably just a mark left from having silver fillings as a kid. We’ll monitor it but I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.” First of all, PRAISE GOD! Second, thanks for the anxiety attack Doc! Oh well, that’s how those things go sometimes.

The rest of my recovery went well, stitches disolved as they should, pain finally subsided and I was able to eat! Man, I missed eating. Then as I was finishing up my antibiotics I started having really bad chest pain. Everyday the pain seemed to get worse. On the third night the pain was so horrible that we finally decided that going to the ER was the best idea because I could barely eat, drink, or breathe. When we got to the ER the wait was long and the price tag is always very high so I decided to go home and wait it out till morning. While sleeping I can’t feel the pain so we resolved to go home and get an appointment with Docs on call first thing the next morning. The doctor said the pain was due to taking the antibiotic right before laying down to bed. The pill must have stopped behind my chest and started disolving near my esophagus. This led to it burning a spot on my esophagus. Nothing to do but take anti-acids and wait 1-2 weeks till it heals.

That’s where we are. Hopefully I’ll be completely better soon. Thanks for everyone who prayed and continues to pray for my recovery. It’s been a long road that I hope ends soon.

On another note, Scott leaves in less than a week and a month for boot camp. Eek.

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