Ignorance is bliss.

2 Jul

I used to want to know every single detail of an approaching event. I believed that if I knew everything then I could be more prepared and in turn feel more at ease with the date arriving. I liked the prepared feeling and enjoyed running through every possible scenario in my mind.

That is all past tense now.

I LOVE not knowing even the date that Scott is leaving for his next deployment. You don’t have this looming cloud above your head, raining on every special moment with the reminder that soon he’ll be gone again and he’ll be missing out on the life you have together. You’re able to live in a state of denial. I love my fairy land bubble that I’ve learned to live in while he’s home.

Welp, that bubble was popped this week. We now know the date and no matter how hard I try to fight it my mind is already running a countdown.

I’m all about realizing that life goes by too quickly and soaking in every precious moment, but it’s hard to have fully positive thoughts when you’re absolutely terrified of parenting alone again and you’re able to recall every moment of loneliness you felt from the last deployment. I hate being alone. I hate my empty bed and will miss seeing the way Royal’s face lights up when he sees his daddy at the end of a work day. I’ll miss my best friend and the comfort his presence leaves me with just by him walking through a room. I’m a strong girl but I’m not able to fake that his absence doesn’t hurt me to my core.

My heart aches as the fact he’s leaving soon hits Scott over and over again. This deployment will be even more difficult on him, than the first, because he has full on knowledge of everything he’ll be missing. He’s teared up multiple times in the past week just watching Royal play. He’s such a wonderful daddy and loves Royal so very very much. Skype helps but it’s not the same as being able to rock him to sleep every night or interacting with him as he learns a new skill. It pains him already.

I am so very proud of my husband, and it helps that he loves his job, but in the end I’m selfish and want to keep him home with us. I’m only praying that time chooses to slow down if only for a few moments so that we can steal just a little more time together.

Jami Davis-6month 061

•Image by Jami Davis Films•

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