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We…actually me.

13 Jan

I recently noticed that I use “we” whenever I talk about decisions I’m making for Royal while Scott’s deployed. At first the reasoning escaped me for why I would be doing this but then it hit me, “I” sounds so lonely when you’re talking about parenting your child. When I say “we” it fills the void I’m feeling in our current life situation.

I can’t decide if this is healthy for my emotional well being but I’m thankful it’s a temporary problem to have because soon Scott will return to us and the “we” will become truthful again.

Scott is really great to help me talk through the issues and decisions that have come up in his absence, and most times he does come to the conclusion with me, but in the small day to day things I still find myself saying “we did this” “we thought it was a good idea” even when he wasn’t even remotely involved. Odd.

It could also be that I’m so used to saying “we” that it’s habit. I have been saying it in reference to Scott and me for the last 9 years so that could explain it, but it doesn’t erase the fact that when I say “I” it feels like someone just punched me in the stomach. Scotty is such a wonderful father and it pains me to know that he’s having to be away from us during these sweet moments in our son’s life.

Last week I told Scott that I was going to Target to purchase size 2 diapers and that really hit him hard. He couldn’t believe he missed all of the size 1 stage. It’s funny (not funny) how those small things that normal parents don’t even blink over can make such an impact on a daddy who is away in Afghanistan. I love that my husband loves so deeply and something like this can bring a tear to his eye.

I do my very best to capture every new thing Royal does. Praise God for technology or I have no idea how I could keep him up to date. I love that I can video tape a milestone and he can watch it 7,382 miles away. I think that helps Scott feel included, but of course it’s not the same as being able to join in. I’m so proud of my husband and for the commitment and sacrifices he’s made for our freedoms. I’m ready for him to be home though…this has been quite long enough.

I hate this. I want my family to be whole, for our “we” to mean three again.

106

Royal’s birth story.

18 Aug

**If you don’t want to hear ALL about a baby being born please stop reading.**

IMG_7401copyI woke up at 5 am to my water breaking on July 31st, 2014. I didn’t want to alarm Scott as he was sound asleep but he started to stir, looked at his phone, and realized he had overslept for his early morning shift. He of course startled awake and about jumped out of bed but I told him to hold tight for a second because I was pretty sure my water just broke. I felt another gush and that confirmed it. It was such a God thing that he overslept as he would have already been at work and I would have had to call and wait for him to get home.

I then called labor and delivery and they told me to take my time coming in. The nurse told me to enjoy a shower and to get a good breakfast in because they wouldn’t let me eat once I got there. I felt completely normal at that point but at 6:30 my contractions kicked it into high gear and I told Scott and my parents it was time to get moving.

IMG_7309copyI was shocked at how painful my contractions were. I became speechless, as I usually do with intense pain, but as the pain intensified I started almost screaming. I’ve never known a pain like that before. They told me that Royal was positioned against my spine and that’s why it was THAT bad. Back labor is no joke, you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy. Ouch.

I continued in that same pain for a few hours but each time they checked I was still only dilated to a 2. The staff then strongly recommended that I get an epidural because my body was so tensed up from my pain that it put my dilating at a standstill. They thought that if I had an epidural it would relax me enough so my body could do what it needed to do. They were right. The minute I got the epidural I felt like a whole new woman. I was completely relieved of my pain. Phew. It was such a nice break. I had control of how much of the medicine I was getting, so I was able to keep feeling in my legs which was important to me as I wanted to be able to push fully when the time came. I would strongly recommend an epidural if you get to the place I was at with pain. There is no way I could have continued that way for over 12 hours.

IMG_7377copyA half hour after I got the epidural they checked me again and I had progressed to a 4. They then decided that they wanted to speed up the process and gave me pitocin in my IV drip. My parents had just gone down to the cafeteria when my midwife and nurse came running into the room and started flipping me onto my left side. They were really quiet but they had concern written  all over their faces. I couldn’t figure out what was going on until they then tried flipping me onto my right and I could see the Baby’s heart rate monitor. Royal had been staying between 140-150 bpm during my pregnancy and labor but when I now looked he was at 70 bpm! I started to panic. They then gave me oxygen and kept moving me trying to give Royal some relief. My midwife asked another nurse to get the doctor and it became apparent to me that I was about to get a cesarean section. FINALLY his heart rate started coming back up after they had me about on my head and rolled completely onto my left side. PRAISE GOD! I have never been more terrified in my entire life. I am so thankful that the staff was fast acting and were able to help my boy and also save me from a c-section.

IMG_7381copyApparently Royal had a negative reaction to the pitocin and that’s what caused the severe drop in his heart rate. After the pitocin was stopped my body took over and within an hour and a half I went from a 4 to a 10 and they told me it was time to push! AH! I couldn’t believe how quickly it went and I honestly didn’t feel mentally ready to start pushing. My nurse cleared the room of everyone but my mom and Scott, and began preparation for delivery. My epidural chose this moment to stop working. Yay! *rolls eyes* Natural childbirth time!

I started pushing at around 3:30 and was making really great progress until Baby’s head didn’t want to come the last part of the way. Once it was clear he wasn’t going to budge they attached the vacuum to his head and when my next contraction came I pushed and my midwife pulled….nothing. He wouldn’t come. I took my deep breathe and pushed again…the vacuum then snapped off his head. It was then decided that I would be getting an episiotomy. I was nervous about it, but at this point in labor, I was ready to be done and would have done just about anything to get my boy here! With that…he arrived!

IMG_7320copyRoyal Matthew was born at 4:53 pm and was immediately placed on my chest. My mom later told me that my face went from a look of pain and exhaustion to one of complete love and joy at my first sight of him. I’ve been made a believer of  “love at first sight.” I looked over at Scott and I could see how in love he was with our baby and was touched as his tears flowed freely down his cheeks. The proud daddy did the honors of cutting the umbilical cord and with that we were separate.

I was in awe at Royal’s beauty and also at how big he was! All the doctors had been telling me what a tiny baby I would be getting, and here I was holding a 7lb 6oz 20inch boy! I couldn’t believe that all of him fit in my belly! All that mattered to me was that he was finally here and he was healthy!! On the APGAR test he scored an 8 at one minute and a 9 at 5 minutes. The tech told us that she never gives a 10 so he was as healthy as it gets. God is so good!

IMG_7344copyScott then got to hold Royal for the first time and once again his tears came. I have never been more attracted to my husband as I was in those moments. Seeing your tiny baby placed in the arms of the man you love is about as good as it gets. I can still sit for hours watching Scott interact with our son, it’s just so precious and sweet to me.

IMG_7328copyI finally have my family. It’s been such a long long road to get here but every step was necessary to get right where we are. I am so thankful for a God that made my every wish and dream come true with one tiny little boy’s entrance into the world! He’s my rainbow after the storm and my everything! There is not one thing I wouldn’t do for this little man and I’m absolutely alright with the fact that my world now entirely revolves around him and his care. I am taken with him. Everything about Royal turns me into mush! I can’t get enough of him! When I set him down to do the dishes or something else I immediately miss him. This is a foreign love I’ve never known before but it somehow feels completely natural to me. I.am.in.love.

IMG_7318copyThank you everyone for your continued prayer and support, and please keep it coming as we now raise this sweet boy!

–Name meaning–
Royal: child of the King
Matthew: God’s gift

Welcome Royal Matthew, you are so very loved!

IMG_7370copy“For this child I prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart”
-1 Samuel 1:27

•Photos by Olive Gray Photography•

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