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Cali.

26 Apr

We spent a week in California this month and it was such a blessing to me.
I was partially dreading it because I thought being around all of my Dad’s family would make me acutely aware of him missing. Although I did feel a bit of that, it wasn’t the empty feeling I had expected. I knew he was gone but I felt so close to him, staying in his childhood room and imagining what he would say in conversation. I could just picture him smiling proudly as he showed Royal off. He loved being Papa. It was like he was made alive again with the stories we shared and the love that we all have for him. The whole experience was healing.
I wish more than anything that he could be with us, but I am so thankful for the bonds of family that live on in his absence. I know he was smiling that whole week while looking down on us.

Goodbye, 27.

30 Jan

Earlier this month I had my last day as a 27 year old. I spent that final day reflecting on the past year of my life. It wasn’t really a happy remembrance.

On the day I turned 27 I deactivated my Facebook account, because I didn’t want any birthday wishes. I just couldn’t handle the idea of everyone celebrating my birthday so close to my Dad’s passing. I knew it would be a hard year, and not one of those days would my Dad be a part of. It was just too much. I decided to pretend that it was just a regular day and continue on.

The rest of the year went pretty much as I had imagined. So many tears. So much time spent staring into space. A lot of denial went into this year. I spent more time, than I ever have, learning about myself. What exactly makes me tick? What sets me off in a positive or negative way? I didn’t necessarily always like the person I was learning about. I found my flaws more frequently than I found my beauty. I would then be surprised to find strength in an area I felt I was weak. It was shocking to realize I wasn’t who I thought I was anymore. I had changed.

Once I had a grasp of who I was, I finally felt ready to start the growth. I can say this year really grew me up. I had to face some difficult things and I had to push through until I had overcome them. I feel stronger now and better. I feel closer to whole.

Not all of this year was hard. Not all of 27 was sad. I made some wonderful memories with people who mean so much to me. I started a new business. We tried boating for the first time and it became our new obsession. I spent my time really soaking in the everyday moments with my son. We found out we will be expecting a new baby, and new life brings joy like nothing else can. I guess that right there sums up my year. Where there is death there is opportunity for new life to come forth. My life seems to always follow the theme of “beauty from ashes” and this year was no exception.

Goodbye to the year of ashes. Hello 28-a year of beauty and new life!

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

Baby #2.

30 Nov

I’m still in disbelief that God has blessed us with another baby on the way! What a perfectly timed blessing in our lives. God knew we needed something new and shiny to bring us joy during this difficult year of grieving.

When something so tragic and unexpected happens you feel as though happy things will never be able to happen again. You’re sure nothing will ever make your heart leap for joy and that you’re destined to always live in a state of gloom. God thankfully proves us wrong. He heals our hearts and then sends His blessings down, as a reminder that He is a God of goodness and faithfulness. I for one desperately needed this reminder.

I still have had a hard time completely accepting the joy of this baby. You almost doubt that something will even turn out right after a hard year. It wasn’t until I hit the 12th week of this pregnancy that I allowed myself to be happy. I was just so scared that we might lose the baby and have yet another set of grief to deal with. I think too that once you’ve had one miscarriage it takes away your ability to convince yourself that “it won’t happen to me” and you worry that it will again. I still worry a bit, but it’s more in the back of my mind and I’m praying for God to quiet my anxious heart. I just love and want this baby so badly and it terrified me to think of losing it.

I’m so very thankful for this sweet blessing and I can’t wait to see what our new life as a family of 4 looks like. Royal is so excited for the new addition. Royal’s constantly asking if he can “cuddle the baby” and he crawls up and lays on my stomach. It melts my heart. It’s funny to me that he can have an understanding of what’s happening even when we haven’t spent much time explaining it to him. It’s going to turn his little life upside down, but I truly believe he’s going to be a wonderful big brother and so very helpful with the new baby.

I wish more than anything that my Dad was here to share in this happiness with us because I know he’d be crying tears of joy and be cheering us on every step of the way, but I know that he’s celebrating in Heaven and he’s probably dancing a happy dance for his new grand-baby.

From tragedy comes triumph. From death comes new life.
We are blessed.

“To console those who mourn,
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
-Isaiah 61:3a

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Happy Birthday, Dad.

28 Oct

Happy 58th Birthday, Dad!
I can’t even express how badly I wish I could call you today. You always loved your birthday and in turn it made us all love it too. I’m so thankful you were born on this day, 58 years ago. I know you’re enjoying celebrating in Heaven, but selfishly I wish you were still down here to eat at your favorite restaurant and I’d make you a cake which you would pretend wasn’t ugly. I miss you extra today. I love you and think of you constantly.
Happy Birthday!

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Up and Down.

30 Aug

Something hit me in the last two weeks leaving me with zero energy. Sadness is about the only emotion I’ve been able to feel and sleep is the one thing I’ve craved. I feel so off and I can’t seem to snap out of it.

I wake up after a night of restless sleep and by Royal’s nap-time I’m so exhausted that I too have to nap. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel numb. I try to cry to find that release but I never can so it all feels so pent up.

I know this is a normal stage of grief but for some reason it completely caught me off guard. I’ve been so strong, maybe too strong. I have a tendency to hold it all in and to give the illusion that I’m doing great when in reality I’m crumbling completely. I have always been an emotional stuffer. I shove it all down until eventually I break and find myself in this place. I hate feeling weak. I hate this helpless hopeless feeling. It’s temporary but the last two weeks have been so painful and unbearable.

I’ve been so busy up until these last few weeks and I think that’s part of the problem. It’s easy to forget about the pain when you’re busy. Your mind and schedule so full that you have no real time to think and dwell on the hurt and the missing piece in your life. I just want my Dad. Every single day I think about him. Most days it makes me smile but the last two weeks it’s made me ache. I just need him. I need to hear his voice and to hear him say he’s proud of me. I need my biggest cheerleader back in my corner. He’ll never be here again and I think it’s sinking in more and more. It’s been 8 whole months since the last day he lived. How can my life move on while his has ended? I know he wouldn’t want us to stop living but here I am always wishing he was still alive to share in these moments with us.

I am constantly worrying about my mom. She’s all alone in our family home surrounded by memories of him. My dad was home every night and now he’s not home any nights. I don’t know how she does it. She’s in a dark place as well and to feel so completely far away from her is a terrible feeling. I just want to be there with her and to help her when it all feels too heavy. The best I can do is to call and hope she tells me how she’s actually doing. She doesn’t though. We’re very much the same in that we don’t want others to worry about us, so we decide that we can handle it on our own. She’s an emotional stuffer as well and I think she’s hit her max. I worry.

These things will get better and I know in a few days I’ll be back to normal, until the next time it all comes smashing down again. When you lose the strength in your family it’s hard to know how to move forward. We will, but it’s always going to hurt to know he’s not moving forward with us.

I can’t wait until the day I see his smile again, and to hear how much he’s missed me too.


 

 

 

 

The gap.

10 Jun

This next week I’ll be in a place that has always held so much magic and wonder for me. A place that holds so many of my most beautiful childhood memories that I couldn’t even begin to make a list of them. It’s a place that was made so special to me by my Dad, with all of the stories of the impact it had on his own childhood. He was always his most happy there and in turn it became my most happy place as well. I’m talking about our family ranch in Wyoming.

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I’ve always dreamed of passing on this same love, and the magic of it, onto my own children. I couldn’t wait to make the drive up the long winding path with such anticipation of new memories sure to bloom. I always pictured my Dad driving the car and my child and I in the backseat. This was supposed to be the summer this dream became reality but it’s all a little different now in the way it will transpire. It will now be the same car full of people that I imagined with the exception of my precious daddy.

I so was looking forward to watching my dad push Royal on the same swing that the 3 generations before him swung on. I pictured my Dad awaiting us in the morning, as he always did, on the sun-porch with his Bible, coffee, and the biggest welcoming smile you’d ever see. I couldn’t wait for my dad to take Royal for his first dune buggy ride, to see the look of pure joy on my son’s face as his papa would race around the winding roads and up the ranch hills. This place has always been about adventure for us and my dad was the one who always took the lead. I wanted my son to have the same memories of my dad here as I did. I will just have to fill him with the love of the ranch without the help of my dad. I want Royal to always know how much his Papa loved this place and how much he would have loved to have him there with him. I pray Royal treasures the ranch as much as every other child who grew up around it does.

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The ranch holds so much history and love there. My parents met and got engaged on this ranch. I lived there as a tiny baby with them for a portion of my babyhood. I met some of my cousins for the first time there. I got married by the river there. I’ll never forget the memory of my dad ringing that ranch bell with tears streaming down his face to announce that I was about to come down the aisle. I also won’t forget those last few moments when I was still all his. He even drove past the aisle, while waving, with the biggest mischievous grin on his face pretending to run off with me. I won’t forget how he pulled on my arm and asked me to walk a little slower as I tried to race towards my groom. He wanted to soak it all in and boy am I thankful we did. When I found out I was pregnant the first time it happened at the ranch too. I’ll never forget finding my dad working in the yard and telling him I was going to be a mom. He gave me the biggest hug he’s ever given me. He was so thrilled to be becoming a grandpa. My dad loved me so big and I felt his love so strongly when we were there sharing in our favorite place together. It’s just not going to ever be the same without him.

I keep having to remind myself that I’m lucky to even have the memories of such a loving father. Some aren’t so lucky. The next few weeks will be entirely difficult as we go through Father’s Day, laying my Dad down in his final resting place, and having our 5 year wedding anniversary all within 4 days time, but I know that honoring him and sharing in the memories we all have with him on this ranch will be healing in it’s own unique way. He gets to live on in memories and I’m always going to fight to keep them as vivid as if they were presently happening. I love my dad. I miss him more than words can express, but I thank God every day that I can feel the gap left by this amazing man because it proves to me just how much I loved him and how much he loved me!

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Moving homes.

24 Feb

As if life hasn’t been stressful enough we’ve decided to move houses.

Our lease is up at the end of this next month and we’ve needed a home that better meets our needs. We love our current house but the backyard is literally 3 feet wide on the three sides of the house, and is constantly muddy with all the rain we get here in Florida. Royal is starting to show more interest in being outdoors and there’s absolutely no way that this yard can be played in. The new home we’re moving to has a large backyard, with a swing set and slide, and a nice screened in porch which will better suit our needs. The house size is comparable to what we now have but also has a two car garage, verses the one car garage we have now. The neighborhood is a step up as well and is much more quiet than our current one. We’ll also be closer to the beach which we love!! The only big down side is that I’m now much farther from a Starbucks! Wahh!! ;)

It’s hard leaving this home knowing the memories we have here. This was our first Florida home and the place we brought Royal home from the hospital to. We have had such good times here with friends and family, so it’s difficult leaving a place that has been so comforting to us. We know that the new house will hold a whole new set of memories and good times and we look forward to that, but it’s still bittersweet.

I have to say that I was really looking forward to having some normal and boring for a bit, but that’s not how life has been lately so I have to embrace the chaos and realize that calmer times are up ahead. Maybe the project of moving and settling back in will become a welcomed distraction.

I have had a hard time, the past few weeks, realizing that my dad’s death is an absolute reality. I so badly want to speak to him about what funny things Royal has been doing or to call and tell him about the new house. It hurts to not hear his voice and know that I won’t again. I still wake up every morning thinking it was a bad dream and every morning I’m slapped with the cold reality that it’s not. I just want him back.

We have two weeks before our move so I’m trying to rest and soak in the calm before my life is once again upturned for yet another change. I can’t wait to be settled into our new place and for Royal to play in his new backyard.

God is always working good into our lives even when it all feels completely crazy! I thank God for the homes He’s always provided for us and for the way He’s comforting my broken heart.

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Gone.

25 Jan

The last month I’ve stared off into space more than I ever have in my entire life. I can’t seem to process the fact that my dad is truly gone. How do you accept something that still feels so wrong and impossible?

I have spent the whole month trying to explain it to myself and I still feel just as confused as the moment my mom called me on the phone and told me he had passed away.

A man who has always been such a comfort to me and my very stability growing up is gone and I don’t know how to move on from this point. I’m broken without him.

My dad got me. Not many people truly get or understand me. I hate that I will never be able to look across a table at him and have him be able to read my exact thoughts. I’ll miss our quiet jokes that only he and I could pick up on. I hate that I’ll never hear him call me “Issa Moany” again. I hate that my son will never know the love he had for him. The fact that I will never see him smile that big welcoming grin, whenever I saw him, breaks my heart in two. He’ll never dance his carefree dance and I’ll never hear him jamming to his music as he makes his lunch again. I hate that I’ll never have another cup of coffee with him at the Ranch or play another game of mexican train. I can’t ever imitate his silly gestures or mannerisms again. I’ll never see him gloat when he placed the last puzzle piece in a puzzle again. He’ll never clean his fish tank again or play his video games with my brother. He’ll never take me target practicing again. He’ll never pray for me again. We’ll never have another father/daughter date to dinner and a movie.  I’ll never see him tear up when he says goodbye to me again. It’s EVERYTHING that I’m going to miss!

I hate it.

I just want my dad back.

I pray a day comes when it doesn’t hurt as badly as it does now, and I know that day will come, but I also know that my life will never feel complete again.

My dad loved my family more than anything in the world! He saw us as his biggest blessing and he knew that only God could receive the glory for it. He always put us first and our needs never went unmet. He worked so hard to give us the upbringing we had and he always kept God in the center of everything he did. His love for Jesus shone out of him in every big and small task he completed. If there was ever a person that lived as a christian should it was him. He loved and those are the biggest commandments.

“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment.  And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
(Mark 12:30-31)

One of the things I regret most is waiting to soak in all his knowledge. I always thought I’d have so many years to learn from him and I feel completely robbed of time. He knew so much about EVERYTHING. He was handy with his hands, he knew so much about the Ranch in Wyoming, and most importantly he was who I went to whenever I had a question about my faith. I’ll never be able to call him to ask a quick question again. Still doesn’t seem possible. He was always just a phone call away. He always called me on his parts runs at work and those 10 minute conversations made my whole day. I’m so thankful that I saved the voice-mails he left me because the sound of his voice is now the only thing I have left of him. I have listened to them over and over and they never fail to turn me into a bawling puddle on the floor. I miss him terribly.

My mom gifted his Bible to me. His Bible was his prized possession. It’s filled with notes and highlights showing what stood out to him. I love having it. I feel so close to him as I read from it’s pages. I can just picture him studying it for hours and falling further and further in love with our Lord. I cried when she gave it to me because I knew how very important it was to him, because God made him into the man he was through reading it. It would bless him to know how much I treasure it.

I don’t think you ever feel ready to say goodbye but this goodbye just seems far too early. I keep going back to the fact that I had talked to him an hour before he died and he sounded just like himself, perfectly healthy and happy. My brain can’t wrap itself around it.

One of the last things he said to me was, “I like to pretend that I’ll see you guys soon, it helps me feel less sad.” Now I have to pretend that very same thing about him.

I’ll see you soon Daddy, but it won’t seem soon enough.

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