Up and Down.

30 Aug

Something hit me in the last two weeks leaving me with zero energy. Sadness is about the only emotion I’ve been able to feel and sleep is the one thing I’ve craved. I feel so off and I can’t seem to snap out of it.

I wake up after a night of restless sleep and by Royal’s nap-time I’m so exhausted that I too have to nap. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel numb. I try to cry to find that release but I never can so it all feels so pent up.

I know this is a normal stage of grief but for some reason it completely caught me off guard. I’ve been so strong, maybe too strong. I have a tendency to hold it all in and to give the illusion that I’m doing great when in reality I’m crumbling completely. I have always been an emotional stuffer. I shove it all down until eventually I break and find myself in this place. I hate feeling weak. I hate this helpless hopeless feeling. It’s temporary but the last two weeks have been so painful and unbearable.

I’ve been so busy up until these last few weeks and I think that’s part of the problem. It’s easy to forget about the pain when you’re busy. Your mind and schedule so full that you have no real time to think and dwell on the hurt and the missing piece in your life. I just want my Dad. Every single day I think about him. Most days it makes me smile but the last two weeks it’s made me ache. I just need him. I need to hear his voice and to hear him say he’s proud of me. I need my biggest cheerleader back in my corner. He’ll never be here again and I think it’s sinking in more and more. It’s been 8 whole months since the last day he lived. How can my life move on while his has ended? I know he wouldn’t want us to stop living but here I am always wishing he was still alive to share in these moments with us.

I am constantly worrying about my mom. She’s all alone in our family home surrounded by memories of him. My dad was home every night and now he’s not home any nights. I don’t know how she does it. She’s in a dark place as well and to feel so completely far away from her is a terrible feeling. I just want to be there with her and to help her when it all feels too heavy. The best I can do is to call and hope she tells me how she’s actually doing. She doesn’t though. We’re very much the same in that we don’t want others to worry about us, so we decide that we can handle it on our own. She’s an emotional stuffer as well and I think she’s hit her max. I worry.

These things will get better and I know in a few days I’ll be back to normal, until the next time it all comes smashing down again. When you lose the strength in your family it’s hard to know how to move forward. We will, but it’s always going to hurt to know he’s not moving forward with us.

I can’t wait until the day I see his smile again, and to hear how much he’s missed me too.






One Response to “Up and Down.”

  1. Aunt Carol August 31, 2016 at 8:31 pm #

    Dear Lyssa,

    I worried like mad about my mom too. Feared I’d lose her too because they were together so much before. She was a stuffer too.

    She surprised everyone, living 13 years after his death. The first couple of years were hard for her, I worried because she didn’t always remember her lipstick!

    Well, we all settled down. Sort of/ I kept getting sick, but she blossomed. Got closer to her kids and grand kids…Enjoyed exercise and seeing her friends. Played golf, went to Bible study. I’d talk with her on the phone an hour a week, and she’d go on and on about this friend or that. She wore me out!

    I hope this happens for you two. I never ever would have expected it, No one told me such joy was ahead. Maybe I should look for some now that she’s gone. It’s been 4 years!

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