Archive | Family RSS feed for this section

Girl.

31 Dec

The biggest highlight of this month was going to find out the gender of our sweet new baby! This ultrasound appointment is always the one I’m most excited for, because you’ll walk away knowing a huge piece of who your little one is going to be. You can go off of old wives tales all day long, but nothing can prove the gender until you get that confirmation from the ultrasound tech.

Scott and I have always prayed for God’s will in placing the right children into our family, so we never had fear of what gender we would be getting. We knew that whatever God had in-store for us was the very best! Even still, you have a gut feeling as a Mommy of what you think the baby will be and you get a little pouty when other’s opinions contradict that. It’s not that you’re frustrated with people, because you know they’re simply just taking a guess, but when you feel something soooo deeply down in your heart it’s hard to have others disagree with it. I at first thought this baby was a boy because my sickness and other symptoms mirrored my pregnancy with Royal so closely, but once we had our first ultrasound and I saw this little baby’s personality on the screen I just knew she was a girl. Baby was so calm and mellow during the ultrasound. I don’t know why but her very actions screamed “little girl” to me. I was the same way with Royal. I had no idea what gender he was until our 10 week appointment when I saw him on the screen and from the way he jumped around like a little wild monster I just knew he was a boy. Those first ultrasounds, with both of my children, solidified their genders for me.

The week leading up to the gender ultrasound I could hardly sleep at all. I would wake up at, or before, 4 am and not be able to fall asleep again until around 8. I was just so anxious to know! I am such a planner and not knowing an important detail eats at me. I was ready to know if we would be buying a crib to fit into Royal’s room or if we’d be changing our guest room into a nursery. I also knew with a girl we would need to do some shopping. If we were pregnant with another boy we would literally not need to purchase one thing because I kept EVERYTHING from having Royal. With a girl we wouldn’t need to buy the essentials, because we purchased gender neutral big items, but we would want to buy small things specifically for her. Really, most importantly we would need some PINK and SPARKLES. I think all the planning without an actual direction was keeping me up at night.

The morning of the appointment I drank my 16 ounces of water and jumped into the car. I nervously non-stop chattered to my mom the whole way there. (When I get nervous I talk….way too much.) Finally we arrived but we then had to wait for the couple in front of us to finish up. I almost screamed “HURRY UP” I was so impatient. When it was eventually our turn I expected Baby to give us a little trouble with seeing gender, because with Royal he was shy and I had to turn from one side to another over and over until he finally uncrossed his legs. Much to Scott’s dismay this baby was all too happy to show us and within 5 minutes we heard “Ready everyone?! Here are sister parts!” A GIRL!!! Scott teared up and I smiled my biggest smile. Royal is having a baby sister!fullsizerender-5I couldn’t think of a better fit for our family. I imagine Royal being a protective and sweet older brother. I picture Scott being wrapped ever so tightly around her little fingers and never allowing her to date. He’s always dreamed of torturing her future boyfriends and with her lack of being “shy” he may need to start cleaning those guns early. (Haha.) I for one can not wait to share girly things with her, while still showing her the fun in being nerdy and enjoying the outdoors. I pray she always has a joy for adventure and isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. I also can’t wait to have a close friendship with her, like I have with my mom. Although I’m nervous for the middle and high school years, there’s nothing quite like that friendship that comes at the end of your teens when you realize that your mom maybe isn’t so clueless after all. I get to have that, along with every other precious memory we’ll make together. I’m so incredibly excited to meet her and to have her share in our family!img_6211And just like my post when we discovered Royal’s gender…

“Now comes the hard part…finding a name…

Wish us luck!!”

xoxoimg_6368

Baby #2.

30 Nov

I’m still in disbelief that God has blessed us with another baby on the way! What a perfectly timed blessing in our lives. God knew we needed something new and shiny to bring us joy during this difficult year of grieving.

When something so tragic and unexpected happens you feel as though happy things will never be able to happen again. You’re sure nothing will ever make your heart leap for joy and that you’re destined to always live in a state of gloom. God thankfully proves us wrong. He heals our hearts and then sends His blessings down, as a reminder that He is a God of goodness and faithfulness. I for one desperately needed this reminder.

I still have had a hard time completely accepting the joy of this baby. You almost doubt that something will even turn out right after a hard year. It wasn’t until I hit the 12th week of this pregnancy that I allowed myself to be happy. I was just so scared that we might lose the baby and have yet another set of grief to deal with. I think too that once you’ve had one miscarriage it takes away your ability to convince yourself that “it won’t happen to me” and you worry that it will again. I still worry a bit, but it’s more in the back of my mind and I’m praying for God to quiet my anxious heart. I just love and want this baby so badly and it terrified me to think of losing it.

I’m so very thankful for this sweet blessing and I can’t wait to see what our new life as a family of 4 looks like. Royal is so excited for the new addition. Royal’s constantly asking if he can “cuddle the baby” and he crawls up and lays on my stomach. It melts my heart. It’s funny to me that he can have an understanding of what’s happening even when we haven’t spent much time explaining it to him. It’s going to turn his little life upside down, but I truly believe he’s going to be a wonderful big brother and so very helpful with the new baby.

I wish more than anything that my Dad was here to share in this happiness with us because I know he’d be crying tears of joy and be cheering us on every step of the way, but I know that he’s celebrating in Heaven and he’s probably dancing a happy dance for his new grand-baby.

From tragedy comes triumph. From death comes new life.
We are blessed.

“To console those who mourn,
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
-Isaiah 61:3a

img_5387

 

Happy Birthday, Dad.

28 Oct

Happy 58th Birthday, Dad!
I can’t even express how badly I wish I could call you today. You always loved your birthday and in turn it made us all love it too. I’m so thankful you were born on this day, 58 years ago. I know you’re enjoying celebrating in Heaven, but selfishly I wish you were still down here to eat at your favorite restaurant and I’d make you a cake which you would pretend wasn’t ugly. I miss you extra today. I love you and think of you constantly.
Happy Birthday!

018-5

Boating.

29 Sep

Since we moved here to Florida, over 3 years ago, we would always drive over the Destin Bridge and see all the boats. It looked like such a blast and we would always say “we should do that!!” but it took us until this summer to actually go for it!

We have now gone out 4 times in a 2 month period. We’re kinda boating addicts now. It’s so relaxing being out on the water, looking at beautiful scenery, wading in clear blue water, and soaking up the sun. Seriously like being on a little vacation just 20 minutes from your house.

Royal loves it too! He will skip his entire nap because he’s having such a blast. I’ve never known this child to skip a nap-time but he is just so busy looking at all the other boats and swimming that he doesn’t even notice how sleepy he is.

Now anytime we have visitors in town we’re going to of course suggest this as THE MUST DO during their stay. It’s just so fun!! You simply throw some sandwiches in a cooler, grab lots of water and sunscreen, and then you’re set for a whole day of relaxing and chilling with your friends. Perfection!

Although I’m sad we waited so long to try this boating thing, I’m really thankful that it came to us in this season of our lives. We needed fun this summer! We needed relaxation! We needed friend time! We really just needed to have an escape where we could be carefree for a little while. It was everything I needed this summer.

I hope we can at least get one more trip in this year, but if not…next summer will be full of weekends like this! I can’t wait!!

IMG_4515 (1).JPG

Up and Down.

30 Aug

Something hit me in the last two weeks leaving me with zero energy. Sadness is about the only emotion I’ve been able to feel and sleep is the one thing I’ve craved. I feel so off and I can’t seem to snap out of it.

I wake up after a night of restless sleep and by Royal’s nap-time I’m so exhausted that I too have to nap. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel numb. I try to cry to find that release but I never can so it all feels so pent up.

I know this is a normal stage of grief but for some reason it completely caught me off guard. I’ve been so strong, maybe too strong. I have a tendency to hold it all in and to give the illusion that I’m doing great when in reality I’m crumbling completely. I have always been an emotional stuffer. I shove it all down until eventually I break and find myself in this place. I hate feeling weak. I hate this helpless hopeless feeling. It’s temporary but the last two weeks have been so painful and unbearable.

I’ve been so busy up until these last few weeks and I think that’s part of the problem. It’s easy to forget about the pain when you’re busy. Your mind and schedule so full that you have no real time to think and dwell on the hurt and the missing piece in your life. I just want my Dad. Every single day I think about him. Most days it makes me smile but the last two weeks it’s made me ache. I just need him. I need to hear his voice and to hear him say he’s proud of me. I need my biggest cheerleader back in my corner. He’ll never be here again and I think it’s sinking in more and more. It’s been 8 whole months since the last day he lived. How can my life move on while his has ended? I know he wouldn’t want us to stop living but here I am always wishing he was still alive to share in these moments with us.

I am constantly worrying about my mom. She’s all alone in our family home surrounded by memories of him. My dad was home every night and now he’s not home any nights. I don’t know how she does it. She’s in a dark place as well and to feel so completely far away from her is a terrible feeling. I just want to be there with her and to help her when it all feels too heavy. The best I can do is to call and hope she tells me how she’s actually doing. She doesn’t though. We’re very much the same in that we don’t want others to worry about us, so we decide that we can handle it on our own. She’s an emotional stuffer as well and I think she’s hit her max. I worry.

These things will get better and I know in a few days I’ll be back to normal, until the next time it all comes smashing down again. When you lose the strength in your family it’s hard to know how to move forward. We will, but it’s always going to hurt to know he’s not moving forward with us.

I can’t wait until the day I see his smile again, and to hear how much he’s missed me too.


 

 

 

 

Project patio.

29 Jul

When we first moved to Florida we realized you can’t really enjoy being outdoors. The bugs are TERRIBLE year round! In our first home we constantly talked about how we would love to have a Florida Room (that’s what they call screened in porches here). When we decided to move it was the top thing on our list along with a large backyard. We hit the jackpot with our new home because it has BOTH! The minute I knew we would finally be getting our Florida Room my mind started spinning with plans! We waited until we were completely moved in, and the last box was unpacked, and then we started the building of our patio set.

I will admit, I was maybe a little optimistic on how easy it would be…nope…so.much.work. I first spent DAYS searching the internet for the cushions that would fit the dimensions of the chairs. The cushions also served as a great motivator to finish the project, because we kept staring at a huge pile of pillows knowing they needed a place. We then spent every weekend for two months building this together! Scott cut and sanded, and I brought him the wood and organized it. Then we built each chair during Royal’s nap-times.

Once they were all completely built we stained and used top coat on each. I’m so glad we did the sanding before we built them because it made the staining process that much easier. We started with a darker stain and we HATED it. We lost a chair to that but we figured it was better to rebuild one chair than to hate all of them. We finally found the perfect stain and busted them out! Phew!

The building plan we used also had a table plan, but at that point we were so over the project and I had the idea to get a statement piece for the coffee table. I got my mind set on an antique trunk and the search began!! We spent a full day antiquing and couldn’t find one that we loved. All I found was an antique peacock that matched the pillows I had purchased. I laughed because I got something to go on top of the trunk but we didn’t have one yet. I felt defeated and it looked like we would have to build the table after all. I then jumped on craigslist and there it was…the perfect antique steamer trunk!! I loved it and immediately had Scott go pick it up! The trunk was just what the patio needed to really “pop!” It’s my most adored part of the whole set.

This is my favorite place in the whole house now. I spend the mornings out there reading my Bible and drinking coffee while Royal and the dog play in the yard. It’s like a piece of heaven to me. One of the best things is lounging on the patio set and watching the rain during a storm. It’s also the perfect entertaining space. You can find us out there most nights, with our friends, just laughing and enjoying great conversation. Best part…no bugs!!!

IMG_2631IMG_2643IMG_2645I’m so glad we never gave up on this project because it’s the room that makes me love my home the most!

IMG_2617“My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.”      -Isaiah 32:8

 

 

 

The gap.

10 Jun

This next week I’ll be in a place that has always held so much magic and wonder for me. A place that holds so many of my most beautiful childhood memories that I couldn’t even begin to make a list of them. It’s a place that was made so special to me by my Dad, with all of the stories of the impact it had on his own childhood. He was always his most happy there and in turn it became my most happy place as well. I’m talking about our family ranch in Wyoming.

wyoming2012 076037
I’ve always dreamed of passing on this same love, and the magic of it, onto my own children. I couldn’t wait to make the drive up the long winding path with such anticipation of new memories sure to bloom. I always pictured my Dad driving the car and my child and I in the backseat. This was supposed to be the summer this dream became reality but it’s all a little different now in the way it will transpire. It will now be the same car full of people that I imagined with the exception of my precious daddy.

I so was looking forward to watching my dad push Royal on the same swing that the 3 generations before him swung on. I pictured my Dad awaiting us in the morning, as he always did, on the sun-porch with his Bible, coffee, and the biggest welcoming smile you’d ever see. I couldn’t wait for my dad to take Royal for his first dune buggy ride, to see the look of pure joy on my son’s face as his papa would race around the winding roads and up the ranch hills. This place has always been about adventure for us and my dad was the one who always took the lead. I wanted my son to have the same memories of my dad here as I did. I will just have to fill him with the love of the ranch without the help of my dad. I want Royal to always know how much his Papa loved this place and how much he would have loved to have him there with him. I pray Royal treasures the ranch as much as every other child who grew up around it does.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

The ranch holds so much history and love there. My parents met and got engaged on this ranch. I lived there as a tiny baby with them for a portion of my babyhood. I met some of my cousins for the first time there. I got married by the river there. I’ll never forget the memory of my dad ringing that ranch bell with tears streaming down his face to announce that I was about to come down the aisle. I also won’t forget those last few moments when I was still all his. He even drove past the aisle, while waving, with the biggest mischievous grin on his face pretending to run off with me. I won’t forget how he pulled on my arm and asked me to walk a little slower as I tried to race towards my groom. He wanted to soak it all in and boy am I thankful we did. When I found out I was pregnant the first time it happened at the ranch too. I’ll never forget finding my dad working in the yard and telling him I was going to be a mom. He gave me the biggest hug he’s ever given me. He was so thrilled to be becoming a grandpa. My dad loved me so big and I felt his love so strongly when we were there sharing in our favorite place together. It’s just not going to ever be the same without him.

I keep having to remind myself that I’m lucky to even have the memories of such a loving father. Some aren’t so lucky. The next few weeks will be entirely difficult as we go through Father’s Day, laying my Dad down in his final resting place, and having our 5 year wedding anniversary all within 4 days time, but I know that honoring him and sharing in the memories we all have with him on this ranch will be healing in it’s own unique way. He gets to live on in memories and I’m always going to fight to keep them as vivid as if they were presently happening. I love my dad. I miss him more than words can express, but I thank God every day that I can feel the gap left by this amazing man because it proves to me just how much I loved him and how much he loved me!

DSC_0064

PRK.

31 May

Last week we traveled to Biloxi Mississippi for Scott to have PRK (corrective eye surgery.) He chose to have it done at Keesler AFB because it was only 2.5 hours from our home, and they are the best military base that offers the surgery. The drive was easy so we took off early Monday morning so that he could make it to his 9 am appointment. He received his final approval so we checked into the Fisher House, which is a by donation charity that offers a place for military to stay while their family member receives medical treatment. It was such a blessing to stay at such a comfortable place while we were away from home. They had volunteers come in, most nights, and cook meals for us too. I didn’t realize that places like this existed but everyone there was so sweet to us and it made a world of difference with our almost two year old running a muck.

royalwalking

Royal still wasn’t a huge fan of being cooped up all day so we spent the days going to the park, playing at the splash pad on base, and we even took him bowling for his first time. It was hard at nights sharing one room though, and Scott and I had to go to sleep when Royal did otherwise he’d stay up with us. He’s so active and observant that he wants to always be doing what we’re doing, so the one room arrangement was a little more than trying at times.

Scott had the surgery on Wednesday and within 30 minutes he was all done and I was able to pick him up. He built it up much scarier in his head than it actually ended up being. He couldn’t believe how easy it was. Everything went great! He had to have a follow up appointment the next morning but Scott asked, because of the 4 day weekend approaching, if we could travel home as we only lived 2.5 hours away. The doctor said that was absolutely fine as long as his eyes looked like they were progressing well the next morning. Luckily his first follow-up went great!! He was seeing 20/15 which were the best results the doctor had seen all day. Scott was excited about his eyes and Royal and I were excited to be going home!

 

The first few days of recovery were almost pain free for Scott but Saturday and Sunday he woke up in some pretty intense pain and had to turn to his pain meds. The meds easily managed the pain and Scott still continues to rave about how worth it this surgery is to him. We traveled back to Mississippi last night because Scott had his final appointment this morning. His left eye continues to see 20/15 and his right is pretty blurry but should clear up in the next day or so. The doc cleared him to go back to work and, best of all, to drive again. We’re so thankful that the surgery went flawlessly and that Scott was able to mostly recover here at home instead of us staying over a week in a hotel.


Life continues to be so busy but it keeps my mind occupied and my heart looking forward. It seems like I have more good days than bad these days, and that feels like a miracle!

 

 

 

 

 

Sick boy.

28 Apr

Man, I don’t think there is anything more heartbreaking than having a sick baby. Royal has had his fair share of colds in his little lifetime but he’s never had such a bad fever. He woke up Tuesday morning with a 100 degree fever and it has only gone up from there. He hit a high of 103.3 during Tuesday night. Poor fellow. FullSizeRenderMy son is not one to enjoy cuddling but the past three days it’s all he’s wanted. I’ve always wished that he would cuddle me more, but now I’d be more than happy to trade the cuddles for my little boy to be full of energy and wiggles again. We’ve been spending the sick days lounging on the couch watching Winnie the Pooh, and Royal will doze off as he gets tired. He won’t let you out of his sight and he wants to be carried everywhere, so we’re all pretty much prisoners to this sickness. It’s just so sad to see how subdued Royal is in comparison to his usual independent personality.FullSizeRender (1)I wish there was some way to fix him more quickly. I hate not having the ability to take it from him. I know he’ll be better soon but I’m impatient. I can’t wait for this sickness to get the heck out of my Royal so that he can go back to being the force that destroys the house again. I miss my little tornado!

 

Moving homes.

24 Feb

As if life hasn’t been stressful enough we’ve decided to move houses.

Our lease is up at the end of this next month and we’ve needed a home that better meets our needs. We love our current house but the backyard is literally 3 feet wide on the three sides of the house, and is constantly muddy with all the rain we get here in Florida. Royal is starting to show more interest in being outdoors and there’s absolutely no way that this yard can be played in. The new home we’re moving to has a large backyard, with a swing set and slide, and a nice screened in porch which will better suit our needs. The house size is comparable to what we now have but also has a two car garage, verses the one car garage we have now. The neighborhood is a step up as well and is much more quiet than our current one. We’ll also be closer to the beach which we love!! The only big down side is that I’m now much farther from a Starbucks! Wahh!! ;)

It’s hard leaving this home knowing the memories we have here. This was our first Florida home and the place we brought Royal home from the hospital to. We have had such good times here with friends and family, so it’s difficult leaving a place that has been so comforting to us. We know that the new house will hold a whole new set of memories and good times and we look forward to that, but it’s still bittersweet.

I have to say that I was really looking forward to having some normal and boring for a bit, but that’s not how life has been lately so I have to embrace the chaos and realize that calmer times are up ahead. Maybe the project of moving and settling back in will become a welcomed distraction.

I have had a hard time, the past few weeks, realizing that my dad’s death is an absolute reality. I so badly want to speak to him about what funny things Royal has been doing or to call and tell him about the new house. It hurts to not hear his voice and know that I won’t again. I still wake up every morning thinking it was a bad dream and every morning I’m slapped with the cold reality that it’s not. I just want him back.

We have two weeks before our move so I’m trying to rest and soak in the calm before my life is once again upturned for yet another change. I can’t wait to be settled into our new place and for Royal to play in his new backyard.

God is always working good into our lives even when it all feels completely crazy! I thank God for the homes He’s always provided for us and for the way He’s comforting my broken heart.

ISpl9vv74ai0as1000000000

 

 

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →