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Slow down.

29 Mar

I’ve always counted myself a strong woman. I can pretty much handle anything life throws at me and still stay standing. It’s mostly because I can plan my way through it. As long as I prepare I feel ready for it. My Type A personality tells me that as long as I stay busy and organized it’s going to all work out.

The problem with a Type A personality mixing with pregnancy is that you lose pretty much all of your organizational skills and brain sharpness to preggo brain. It’s really really really extremely frustrating when you’re waiting for your brain to engage and it never seems to catch up to the speed you’re used to functioning at. Then you end up working twice as hard to complete tasks that used to only take you a matter of minutes. You add that to the waddling that slows you down, doubling your daily load because of deployment, a two year old who you for some reason decided to toilet train a week after your husband left, running a business, missing and worrying for your husband while he’s deployed, preparing for a new baby, stressing if the Air Force will let your hubby come home early so he doesn’t miss the baby’s birth, being far from family, and tons of appointments, and I’ve gone almost completely mad!!! Seems like as soon as I start one project 6 more appear and I get interrupted 26 times in the process which then takes me a solid 10 minutes to remember where I left off. The proficiency is gone. I miss my brain. (haha)

During a deployment you need to be at your best and sadly I feel like I’m at my worst. I’ve found myself overwhelmed from the second I wake up to the minute my head finally rests on my pillow at night. I’ve been forcing myself to have even a few moments a day to just rest. It’s certainly taking a toll on my body and as I am now in my 30th week of pregnancy I have to remind myself that it’s okay to slow down a little. It feels like actual torture to sit when I have lists upon lists adding up in my mind. I’m telling myself that it’s alright if some things slip a little, no one else is going to notice but me. But…we’re always our own toughest critics.

The thing that has broken my heart the most this round is just how badly Royal has missed his daddy. He will wake up crying and when I ask him what’s wrong he says “I cry Dada. I miss Daddy.” I don’t know how to comfort his hurting heart and it’s impossible to explain the reasoning to a two year old.  He’s been dealing with separation anxiety too which rips my heart in half. I’ll hear him talking in his bed at night saying “Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me” and if I go in the garage he’ll come running full speed from the other side of the house yelling “Mama!! Don’t leave me!!” I can’t even stand it. All I can do it hold him close and reassure him that I’m not going anywhere. I tell him that Dada will be home soon and I remind him of all the ways his Daddy loves him. I hate all of that the most. I wish I could just take away all the pain from his little tiny self.

I’m also working on being better at asking for help from others, and I’ll admit this is humbling for me. I HATE asking because I actually enjoy handling things on my own, but I know those around me want to help and I need to let them. Being a burden to others is my biggest fear, so I’m truly striving to be okay with it. I’ve found that people love you through their actions and I shouldn’t rob people of that by always saying no to their offers.

Hands down this has been the most difficult of all the deployments but every situation is temporary and soon it will end. Until then I need to sit when my body says sit and rest when my mind needs rest. The goal is to keep this little girl in as long as possible, to up the chances of Scott being home for her arrival, and for that to happen I need to take it a bit easier. Another goal of mine is to soak in as much time with Royal as I can before he’s no longer my only baby. It’s bittersweet so I want to make the most of these next 10 weeks with him. Both goals involve me slowing down to breathe and ignoring the 102 lists that are constantly building up around me. As long as we’re fed and healthy the rest can wait.

“My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
-Psalm 73:26

New Orleans.

27 Feb

One of the hardest things of a deployment approaching is the count down of lasts: the last weekend, the last time we will watch walking dead together, the last meal we’ll eat together, the last time we’ll sleep in the same bed. So for one of our last weekends together we decided to have a first instead of dwelling on “the last” and we set out to New Orleans as a family.

I had recently been to New Orleans for a concert with some friends but Scott nor Royal had ever been. Scott and I always base the success of our vacations on what delicious food we eat, so I knew that Nola would be the perfect weekend get-away for us foodies. I love unique and eclectic food, and the variety you can find in New Orleans is beyond compare to anywhere I’ve ever been. I’ve never been disappointed in a single thing I’ve eaten there. It’s truly all sooooooo good. The other thing I love about this city is the culture. It blows my mind that a place only a few hours from our home can be so completely different than our regular way of life. The streets of the French Quarter are constantly full of street performers and bands playing jazz music. It makes for an environment of constant entertainment. I knew Royal would get a kick out of that.img_7417Our first stop of our first day was to Stanley’s, an amazing breakfast joint with the best eggs benedict I’ve ever had in my life! This was first on my list because the deliciousness, from my first trip, lingered in my brain so I knew I HAD to go back and Scott being a lover of seafood needed to try their Eggs Stanley (cornmeal crusted oysters, poached eggs, canadian bacon, and creole hollandaise on a english muffin.) He said with every bite it got better and better. I had their Breux Bridge Benedict (house made boudin, ham, american cheese, poached eggs, and hollandaise on French bread) and boy was it DEVINE. It had a bit of a kick to it but with the eggs and french bread it perfectly evened out. Mmm. And…I need it again.

After we filled our bellies we walked around Jackson Square and went inside the beautiful Saint Louis Cathedral. I was proud of Royal for staying oh so quiet as we walked around inside. Praise God that a two year old tantrum didn’t decide to make an appearance in that moment. We then spent the rest of the day walking the streets, shopping, and sampling tasty treats. The rain started pouring about halfway through the day. We took shelter in the covered flea market for some light shopping and then into a hot sauce shop which I swear is Scott’s new happy place. He spent a good 45 minutes sampling their hundreds of sauces. I chose to just observe.

 

I believe there is an unspoken rule that you HAVE to go to Café Du Monde if you’re ever in the area. It’s a cute little open air cafe, which was established in 1862. You must have their beignets covered in a mountain of powdered sugar and paired with a cafe’ au lait or you’ve truly never lived. Royal most enjoyed licking the powdered sugar off of his beignet. For me, the best part of the experience was having the rain pour outside creating the most cozy little moment in time.

Nap-time finally crept in so we retired to our hotel for a few hours to let the little guy rest up, and in all honesty the parents needed the down-time just as badly. What we thought was cool about our hotel during the day would become a curse in the night, but we spent a good bit of time watching the airplanes land outside our hotel room window and Royal quite enjoyed that. At 6:00 am the following morning the “fun” of it dissolved for this mama. Oh well! Who sleeps on vacations really?!img_7469

For dinner we chose to stay out of the French Quarter and tried the second location of “Dat Dog” which is a unique little sausage joint. Scott and I both decided to be adventurous so he got the Crawfish Etouffee Dog (crawfish sausage, homemade crawfish etouffee, sour cream, onions, tomatoes, and creole mustard) and I got the Alligator sausage and just had them throw on whatever they thought was best! We of course couldn’t pass up the cheddar bacon ranch fries either. This was Scott’s favorite meal of the trip and he’s still raving about it. We called it an early night and we were all in bed by 9:00.

img_7476After having our sleep so rudely interrupted (airport shenanigans) we started day 2 off by checking out of our hotel and heading back to the French Quarter for breakfast. A friend had recommended Cafe Fleur De Lis so that’s just where we went. The wait wasn’t nearly as bad as we had heard it would be, and within 30 minutes we were seated at our table in the charming historic cafe. Scott, still on a crawfish kick, ordered the Fleur De Lis Omelet (bell peppers, onions, provolone, topped with a creamy crawfish sauce and served with a croissant) and this preggo needed something with mild flavors, after all the richness of the day before, so I stuck to the Sweet Buttermilk Pancakes topped with strawberries and ordered a bavarian chocolate iced coffee to drink. Yummy food here too!

Following breakfast we again walked around, taking in all the art on Royal Street and of course trying to get our little 2 year old Royal to pose for a photo next to the street tiles with his name on them. We also spent much of our final day searching for a “Royal Street” sign to buy. We sadly never found a full sized one but happily purchased a magnet instead. We walked down Bourbon Street, watched street performers, danced to the live music, and then finished our time in the French Quarter with people watching in the park while Royal gleefully chased pigeons.

On our way out of town we made a final stop at District Donuts, because I read many good reviews about it and we knew we’d need a little sugary pick-me-up before our drive home. Scott ordered the coffee cake donut,  I had the strawberry basil donut, and Royal had a chocolate chip cookie. It was a sweet ending to our time in Nola!

img_7680I think we left town believing we would never want to eat again! (I warned you that we like eating and base our vacations around it! haha.) It was such a fun trip and I can’t honestly remember the last time we had a get-away just for us. Maybe our honeymoon? (eek!) It was truly so wonderful to get out of town and to explore a new place together. Also, this was our last vacation as a family of 3! On the next trip, we all take together, there will be a new little member here on the outside with us. That’s fun to think about.

We were all exhausted once we got home, so we spent the next day relaxing at the beach. There’s nothing like a little sun, having your toes in the sand, and the sound of the ocean to bring you back to a peacefully relaxed state of mind. It was truly one of the best weekends I’ve ever had and just what this little family needed before Deployment 3.0!

Goodbye, 27.

30 Jan

Earlier this month I had my last day as a 27 year old. I spent that final day reflecting on the past year of my life. It wasn’t really a happy remembrance.

On the day I turned 27 I deactivated my Facebook account, because I didn’t want any birthday wishes. I just couldn’t handle the idea of everyone celebrating my birthday so close to my Dad’s passing. I knew it would be a hard year, and not one of those days would my Dad be a part of. It was just too much. I decided to pretend that it was just a regular day and continue on.

The rest of the year went pretty much as I had imagined. So many tears. So much time spent staring into space. A lot of denial went into this year. I spent more time, than I ever have, learning about myself. What exactly makes me tick? What sets me off in a positive or negative way? I didn’t necessarily always like the person I was learning about. I found my flaws more frequently than I found my beauty. I would then be surprised to find strength in an area I felt I was weak. It was shocking to realize I wasn’t who I thought I was anymore. I had changed.

Once I had a grasp of who I was, I finally felt ready to start the growth. I can say this year really grew me up. I had to face some difficult things and I had to push through until I had overcome them. I feel stronger now and better. I feel closer to whole.

Not all of this year was hard. Not all of 27 was sad. I made some wonderful memories with people who mean so much to me. I started a new business. We tried boating for the first time and it became our new obsession. I spent my time really soaking in the everyday moments with my son. We found out we will be expecting a new baby, and new life brings joy like nothing else can. I guess that right there sums up my year. Where there is death there is opportunity for new life to come forth. My life seems to always follow the theme of “beauty from ashes” and this year was no exception.

Goodbye to the year of ashes. Hello 28-a year of beauty and new life!

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

Girl.

31 Dec

The biggest highlight of this month was going to find out the gender of our sweet new baby! This ultrasound appointment is always the one I’m most excited for, because you’ll walk away knowing a huge piece of who your little one is going to be. You can go off of old wives tales all day long, but nothing can prove the gender until you get that confirmation from the ultrasound tech.

Scott and I have always prayed for God’s will in placing the right children into our family, so we never had fear of what gender we would be getting. We knew that whatever God had in-store for us was the very best! Even still, you have a gut feeling as a Mommy of what you think the baby will be and you get a little pouty when other’s opinions contradict that. It’s not that you’re frustrated with people, because you know they’re simply just taking a guess, but when you feel something soooo deeply down in your heart it’s hard to have others disagree with it. I at first thought this baby was a boy because my sickness and other symptoms mirrored my pregnancy with Royal so closely, but once we had our first ultrasound and I saw this little baby’s personality on the screen I just knew she was a girl. Baby was so calm and mellow during the ultrasound. I don’t know why but her very actions screamed “little girl” to me. I was the same way with Royal. I had no idea what gender he was until our 10 week appointment when I saw him on the screen and from the way he jumped around like a little wild monster I just knew he was a boy. Those first ultrasounds, with both of my children, solidified their genders for me.

The week leading up to the gender ultrasound I could hardly sleep at all. I would wake up at, or before, 4 am and not be able to fall asleep again until around 8. I was just so anxious to know! I am such a planner and not knowing an important detail eats at me. I was ready to know if we would be buying a crib to fit into Royal’s room or if we’d be changing our guest room into a nursery. I also knew with a girl we would need to do some shopping. If we were pregnant with another boy we would literally not need to purchase one thing because I kept EVERYTHING from having Royal. With a girl we wouldn’t need to buy the essentials, because we purchased gender neutral big items, but we would want to buy small things specifically for her. Really, most importantly we would need some PINK and SPARKLES. I think all the planning without an actual direction was keeping me up at night.

The morning of the appointment I drank my 16 ounces of water and jumped into the car. I nervously non-stop chattered to my mom the whole way there. (When I get nervous I talk….way too much.) Finally we arrived but we then had to wait for the couple in front of us to finish up. I almost screamed “HURRY UP” I was so impatient. When it was eventually our turn I expected Baby to give us a little trouble with seeing gender, because with Royal he was shy and I had to turn from one side to another over and over until he finally uncrossed his legs. Much to Scott’s dismay this baby was all too happy to show us and within 5 minutes we heard “Ready everyone?! Here are sister parts!” A GIRL!!! Scott teared up and I smiled my biggest smile. Royal is having a baby sister!fullsizerender-5I couldn’t think of a better fit for our family. I imagine Royal being a protective and sweet older brother. I picture Scott being wrapped ever so tightly around her little fingers and never allowing her to date. He’s always dreamed of torturing her future boyfriends and with her lack of being “shy” he may need to start cleaning those guns early. (Haha.) I for one can not wait to share girly things with her, while still showing her the fun in being nerdy and enjoying the outdoors. I pray she always has a joy for adventure and isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. I also can’t wait to have a close friendship with her, like I have with my mom. Although I’m nervous for the middle and high school years, there’s nothing quite like that friendship that comes at the end of your teens when you realize that your mom maybe isn’t so clueless after all. I get to have that, along with every other precious memory we’ll make together. I’m so incredibly excited to meet her and to have her share in our family!img_6211And just like my post when we discovered Royal’s gender…

“Now comes the hard part…finding a name…

Wish us luck!!”

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Baby #2.

30 Nov

I’m still in disbelief that God has blessed us with another baby on the way! What a perfectly timed blessing in our lives. God knew we needed something new and shiny to bring us joy during this difficult year of grieving.

When something so tragic and unexpected happens you feel as though happy things will never be able to happen again. You’re sure nothing will ever make your heart leap for joy and that you’re destined to always live in a state of gloom. God thankfully proves us wrong. He heals our hearts and then sends His blessings down, as a reminder that He is a God of goodness and faithfulness. I for one desperately needed this reminder.

I still have had a hard time completely accepting the joy of this baby. You almost doubt that something will even turn out right after a hard year. It wasn’t until I hit the 12th week of this pregnancy that I allowed myself to be happy. I was just so scared that we might lose the baby and have yet another set of grief to deal with. I think too that once you’ve had one miscarriage it takes away your ability to convince yourself that “it won’t happen to me” and you worry that it will again. I still worry a bit, but it’s more in the back of my mind and I’m praying for God to quiet my anxious heart. I just love and want this baby so badly and it terrified me to think of losing it.

I’m so very thankful for this sweet blessing and I can’t wait to see what our new life as a family of 4 looks like. Royal is so excited for the new addition. Royal’s constantly asking if he can “cuddle the baby” and he crawls up and lays on my stomach. It melts my heart. It’s funny to me that he can have an understanding of what’s happening even when we haven’t spent much time explaining it to him. It’s going to turn his little life upside down, but I truly believe he’s going to be a wonderful big brother and so very helpful with the new baby.

I wish more than anything that my Dad was here to share in this happiness with us because I know he’d be crying tears of joy and be cheering us on every step of the way, but I know that he’s celebrating in Heaven and he’s probably dancing a happy dance for his new grand-baby.

From tragedy comes triumph. From death comes new life.
We are blessed.

“To console those who mourn,
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
-Isaiah 61:3a

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Happy Birthday, Dad.

28 Oct

Happy 58th Birthday, Dad!
I can’t even express how badly I wish I could call you today. You always loved your birthday and in turn it made us all love it too. I’m so thankful you were born on this day, 58 years ago. I know you’re enjoying celebrating in Heaven, but selfishly I wish you were still down here to eat at your favorite restaurant and I’d make you a cake which you would pretend wasn’t ugly. I miss you extra today. I love you and think of you constantly.
Happy Birthday!

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Boating.

29 Sep

Since we moved here to Florida, over 3 years ago, we would always drive over the Destin Bridge and see all the boats. It looked like such a blast and we would always say “we should do that!!” but it took us until this summer to actually go for it!

We have now gone out 4 times in a 2 month period. We’re kinda boating addicts now. It’s so relaxing being out on the water, looking at beautiful scenery, wading in clear blue water, and soaking up the sun. Seriously like being on a little vacation just 20 minutes from your house.

Royal loves it too! He will skip his entire nap because he’s having such a blast. I’ve never known this child to skip a nap-time but he is just so busy looking at all the other boats and swimming that he doesn’t even notice how sleepy he is.

Now anytime we have visitors in town we’re going to of course suggest this as THE MUST DO during their stay. It’s just so fun!! You simply throw some sandwiches in a cooler, grab lots of water and sunscreen, and then you’re set for a whole day of relaxing and chilling with your friends. Perfection!

Although I’m sad we waited so long to try this boating thing, I’m really thankful that it came to us in this season of our lives. We needed fun this summer! We needed relaxation! We needed friend time! We really just needed to have an escape where we could be carefree for a little while. It was everything I needed this summer.

I hope we can at least get one more trip in this year, but if not…next summer will be full of weekends like this! I can’t wait!!

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Up and Down.

30 Aug

Something hit me in the last two weeks leaving me with zero energy. Sadness is about the only emotion I’ve been able to feel and sleep is the one thing I’ve craved. I feel so off and I can’t seem to snap out of it.

I wake up after a night of restless sleep and by Royal’s nap-time I’m so exhausted that I too have to nap. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel numb. I try to cry to find that release but I never can so it all feels so pent up.

I know this is a normal stage of grief but for some reason it completely caught me off guard. I’ve been so strong, maybe too strong. I have a tendency to hold it all in and to give the illusion that I’m doing great when in reality I’m crumbling completely. I have always been an emotional stuffer. I shove it all down until eventually I break and find myself in this place. I hate feeling weak. I hate this helpless hopeless feeling. It’s temporary but the last two weeks have been so painful and unbearable.

I’ve been so busy up until these last few weeks and I think that’s part of the problem. It’s easy to forget about the pain when you’re busy. Your mind and schedule so full that you have no real time to think and dwell on the hurt and the missing piece in your life. I just want my Dad. Every single day I think about him. Most days it makes me smile but the last two weeks it’s made me ache. I just need him. I need to hear his voice and to hear him say he’s proud of me. I need my biggest cheerleader back in my corner. He’ll never be here again and I think it’s sinking in more and more. It’s been 8 whole months since the last day he lived. How can my life move on while his has ended? I know he wouldn’t want us to stop living but here I am always wishing he was still alive to share in these moments with us.

I am constantly worrying about my mom. She’s all alone in our family home surrounded by memories of him. My dad was home every night and now he’s not home any nights. I don’t know how she does it. She’s in a dark place as well and to feel so completely far away from her is a terrible feeling. I just want to be there with her and to help her when it all feels too heavy. The best I can do is to call and hope she tells me how she’s actually doing. She doesn’t though. We’re very much the same in that we don’t want others to worry about us, so we decide that we can handle it on our own. She’s an emotional stuffer as well and I think she’s hit her max. I worry.

These things will get better and I know in a few days I’ll be back to normal, until the next time it all comes smashing down again. When you lose the strength in your family it’s hard to know how to move forward. We will, but it’s always going to hurt to know he’s not moving forward with us.

I can’t wait until the day I see his smile again, and to hear how much he’s missed me too.


 

 

 

 

Project patio.

29 Jul

When we first moved to Florida we realized you can’t really enjoy being outdoors. The bugs are TERRIBLE year round! In our first home we constantly talked about how we would love to have a Florida Room (that’s what they call screened in porches here). When we decided to move it was the top thing on our list along with a large backyard. We hit the jackpot with our new home because it has BOTH! The minute I knew we would finally be getting our Florida Room my mind started spinning with plans! We waited until we were completely moved in, and the last box was unpacked, and then we started the building of our patio set.

I will admit, I was maybe a little optimistic on how easy it would be…nope…so.much.work. I first spent DAYS searching the internet for the cushions that would fit the dimensions of the chairs. The cushions also served as a great motivator to finish the project, because we kept staring at a huge pile of pillows knowing they needed a place. We then spent every weekend for two months building this together! Scott cut and sanded, and I brought him the wood and organized it. Then we built each chair during Royal’s nap-times.

Once they were all completely built we stained and used top coat on each. I’m so glad we did the sanding before we built them because it made the staining process that much easier. We started with a darker stain and we HATED it. We lost a chair to that but we figured it was better to rebuild one chair than to hate all of them. We finally found the perfect stain and busted them out! Phew!

The building plan we used also had a table plan, but at that point we were so over the project and I had the idea to get a statement piece for the coffee table. I got my mind set on an antique trunk and the search began!! We spent a full day antiquing and couldn’t find one that we loved. All I found was an antique peacock that matched the pillows I had purchased. I laughed because I got something to go on top of the trunk but we didn’t have one yet. I felt defeated and it looked like we would have to build the table after all. I then jumped on craigslist and there it was…the perfect antique steamer trunk!! I loved it and immediately had Scott go pick it up! The trunk was just what the patio needed to really “pop!” It’s my most adored part of the whole set.

This is my favorite place in the whole house now. I spend the mornings out there reading my Bible and drinking coffee while Royal and the dog play in the yard. It’s like a piece of heaven to me. One of the best things is lounging on the patio set and watching the rain during a storm. It’s also the perfect entertaining space. You can find us out there most nights, with our friends, just laughing and enjoying great conversation. Best part…no bugs!!!

IMG_2631IMG_2643IMG_2645I’m so glad we never gave up on this project because it’s the room that makes me love my home the most!

IMG_2617“My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.”      -Isaiah 32:8

 

 

 

The gap.

10 Jun

This next week I’ll be in a place that has always held so much magic and wonder for me. A place that holds so many of my most beautiful childhood memories that I couldn’t even begin to make a list of them. It’s a place that was made so special to me by my Dad, with all of the stories of the impact it had on his own childhood. He was always his most happy there and in turn it became my most happy place as well. I’m talking about our family ranch in Wyoming.

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I’ve always dreamed of passing on this same love, and the magic of it, onto my own children. I couldn’t wait to make the drive up the long winding path with such anticipation of new memories sure to bloom. I always pictured my Dad driving the car and my child and I in the backseat. This was supposed to be the summer this dream became reality but it’s all a little different now in the way it will transpire. It will now be the same car full of people that I imagined with the exception of my precious daddy.

I so was looking forward to watching my dad push Royal on the same swing that the 3 generations before him swung on. I pictured my Dad awaiting us in the morning, as he always did, on the sun-porch with his Bible, coffee, and the biggest welcoming smile you’d ever see. I couldn’t wait for my dad to take Royal for his first dune buggy ride, to see the look of pure joy on my son’s face as his papa would race around the winding roads and up the ranch hills. This place has always been about adventure for us and my dad was the one who always took the lead. I wanted my son to have the same memories of my dad here as I did. I will just have to fill him with the love of the ranch without the help of my dad. I want Royal to always know how much his Papa loved this place and how much he would have loved to have him there with him. I pray Royal treasures the ranch as much as every other child who grew up around it does.

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The ranch holds so much history and love there. My parents met and got engaged on this ranch. I lived there as a tiny baby with them for a portion of my babyhood. I met some of my cousins for the first time there. I got married by the river there. I’ll never forget the memory of my dad ringing that ranch bell with tears streaming down his face to announce that I was about to come down the aisle. I also won’t forget those last few moments when I was still all his. He even drove past the aisle, while waving, with the biggest mischievous grin on his face pretending to run off with me. I won’t forget how he pulled on my arm and asked me to walk a little slower as I tried to race towards my groom. He wanted to soak it all in and boy am I thankful we did. When I found out I was pregnant the first time it happened at the ranch too. I’ll never forget finding my dad working in the yard and telling him I was going to be a mom. He gave me the biggest hug he’s ever given me. He was so thrilled to be becoming a grandpa. My dad loved me so big and I felt his love so strongly when we were there sharing in our favorite place together. It’s just not going to ever be the same without him.

I keep having to remind myself that I’m lucky to even have the memories of such a loving father. Some aren’t so lucky. The next few weeks will be entirely difficult as we go through Father’s Day, laying my Dad down in his final resting place, and having our 5 year wedding anniversary all within 4 days time, but I know that honoring him and sharing in the memories we all have with him on this ranch will be healing in it’s own unique way. He gets to live on in memories and I’m always going to fight to keep them as vivid as if they were presently happening. I love my dad. I miss him more than words can express, but I thank God every day that I can feel the gap left by this amazing man because it proves to me just how much I loved him and how much he loved me!

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